Schuster Sister Shenanigans: Raiders of the Lost Ark

Y’all ready for some more Shenanigans?! My lovely sister, Laura Jo, and I decided it was high time to continue our texting adventures with a brand new series of films. So far we’ve worked our way through Star Wars Episodes IV-VI and the Jurassic Park films. Continuing with the Indiana Jones films only seems right. So let’s do this!

 

Laura Jo: 2 minutes!!!

Cara: ONE!

LJ: GO!!!

C: AW HELL YEAH

LJ:

C: HA!! That is going on the blog.

LJ: I’m not ashamed of love.

LJ: And through the jungle they go!

C: Ahhh scary stone statue terrifies native!

C: Young Alfred Molina why you gotta taste that poisonous arrow?

LJ: POBRESITO

LJ: Indy into the caaaaaave

LJ: Get that sand bro

C: And cracking that whip!

LJ: Sooooo many spiderwebs!

LJ: Eeeeee tarantulas!!

C: #EW

LJ: Stay out of the light!!

LJ: Ahhhhh dead guy gross SFX

C: Like, ouch.

LJ: The worst pretty much

C: Saved by the ol’ Indy belt grab, young Alfred Molina.

LJ: Tiny golden statue!

LJ: Yikes pneumatic wall arrow

C: Indy you so smooth dodging those sinking stones!

LJ: It seems to me HALF A BAG OF SAND is not going to equal the weight of a SOLID GOLD STATUETTE

C: But DAMN what a moment!!!

LJ: Oh no trusted companion whyyyyyy

C: RUDE, ALFRED.

LJ: Whoops there he is again

LJ: #forgotaboutthatlightbro

LJ: ICONIC STONE BALL

C: AHHHH BOULDER OF DEATH

LJ: And hey rival guy, what a stupid hat!

Wipe that smile off your face, Belloq. Your hat SUCKS.

C: Right?? Indy’s hat WINS.

C: START THE ENGINES!!! GET IT UP!!!

LJ: Hey the pilot had a Yankees hat!

LJ: …Douche.

C: Lol!!! #MetsFan

LJ: #QueensRepresent

C: Yaaaassss up the plane goes!!!

LJ: Indy hates snakes! Even pet ones!

LJ: OMG HELLOOOOO TEACHER INDY

C: All the female students are daydreaming.

C: ALL OF THEM

LJ: They’re not the only ones

LJ: ON HER EYELIDS

LJ: HOW DID SHE DO THAT

LJ: SURELY A FRIEND HELPED

C: That is one of the biggest wtfs in this film.

LJ: That and the insensitive treatment of native peoples…oh, 80s

C: Truth

C: God he looks good in glasses.

LJ: HE LOOKS GOOD IN EVERYTHING!!

C: Oh Indy you school us on all that biblical stuff.

LJ: So smart. So handsome.

C: So if you had to choose between Han and Indy…what would happen?

LJ: WORLD WOULD EXPLODE

C: LOL. God help us…

C: Oh heyyyy Indy in a robe.

LJ: And now he has a mission!!!!

LJ: Mapssssss yesssssss

C: Hat over the eyes. Nobody naps like Indy.

LJ: And now we’re in Nepal.

C: Oh hey Marion! Girl whatchu doing? Getting trashed? You do you, mkay?

LJ: And Marion is killing it!

C: Right? Drinking people under the table is one of her many skills.

LJ: Indy shadow!

C: Heck yes that shadow!!

LJ: KAPOW MARION PUNCH

C: Yeah that was a good one! Cheesy comic book sound and everything!

LJ: How is she suddenly having a coherent conversation with him

C: Right?? I would be on the floor napping after all that…

LJ: Indy why you think you can roll up in there and boss her around!

C: “BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY.” You tell him, Marion!!

LJ: Yeah girl!!!

LJ: Oh no NAZIS

C: Arrrrgggghhhh Toht!!! Creepy bugger…

LJ: HOT POKER OH NO

C: Whip saves the day!!!

LJ: Uh oh medallion just sitting in the fire

C: Warning: may be hot

LJ: NAZI HAND BURN

LJ: Marion saves Indy!

C: She’s a resourceful lady!!

LJ: INDY OPEN SHIRT

C: HA! Perfection.

C: Also, GIMLI!!!!

LJ: Oh hey Gimli

LJ: MONKEY BETRAYAL

C: Oh God they taught the monkey the Nazi salute.

LJ: OMG ATTACK!

C: Indy let Marion help you! She can fight!

LJ: Into the basket she goes!

LJ: Why do the thugs listen to the monkey?

C: She’s apparently the best spy they’ve got.

LJ: Swordsman! Apparently the scene where Indy shoots him was improvised

C: Yeah! He was sick and didn’t want to mess with choreography. Love it.

C: ALL THE BASKETS

LJ: KABOOM TRUCK

C: WHOOPSIE DAISY

C: Drinking away his sorrows with monkey

Allllll byyyy myyyyseeeeelf. Don’t wanna be…

LJ: Surely he would have been arrested or something

C: Yeah you’d think…

LJ: Oh no Frenchman returns with hookah

C: And the inferior hat

LJ: OMG why are all those children running into the path of the guns???!

C: #parenting

LJ: Gimli’s response to “Marion’s dead” is “Yes I know. Life goes on, Indy.”

C: Yeah. Not the best bedside manner, Gimli.

LJ: THEYRE DIGGING IN THE WRONG PLACE

C: Indy, you so smart.

LJ: Bad dates RIP treacherous monkey

C: Like, how did those guys not think to look at this place?

LJ: Because Nazis.

C: Nazis. MORE LIKE DUMBZIS.

LJ: Thass right Indy! Reading ancient hieroglyphics like it ain’t no thing!

C: Yessss yessss the staff scene!!! It is everything!!!

LJ: WOAH LASER BEAM

C: AHHHH AMAZING

LJ: Oh Indy, I sweat like that too

LJ: How is Indy in disguise when the thing keeps falling off his face and he’s CLEARLY SOME WHITE GUY

C: LOL.

C: Marion!!!

LJ: Indy why you gotta leave her!! Come on dude!

C: Yeah. Not his most tactful moment.

LJ: Also, much like Star Wars, Marion is THE ONLY female in this movie.

C: Ugh you’re right.

LJ: Dammit George Lucas

C: Oh hey Nazi! Digging that new palm tat!

HIGH FIVE

C: Also, them digging there is not subtle. Not a bit.

LJ: In a lightning storm no less

LJ: Why does the floor…move?

C: Ick. You don’t wanna know, bro.

C: SNAKES. WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SNAKES.

LJ: Asps. You go first.

C: Good call, Gimli.

LJ: EW don’t force her to wear the horrible prom dress

C: Frenchman, you freaking CREEP

LJ: Also like HOLDING HER PRISONER IS NOT COOL

LJ: Aaaaaaand into the snake pit

LJ: How are they alive after thousands of years

C: Excellent question.

LJ: Apparently there was glass in between Harrison Ford and the cobra

C: Well thank God for that. Lol.

LJ: Also LIGHTING THE ANCIENT ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG ON FIRE seems like a terrible idea

C: There Marion goes, slinging them back like a champ again!

LJ: Oh great, so as prisoner Marion can fall back on her alcoholism as a resource. Thanks, writers.

C: Yeah…

LJ: Okay the terrifying lead up to the clothes hanger is hilarious

C: It’s the most sinister coat hanger EVER.

LJ: Hahahahahah

LJ: THERE THAT ARK EVERYONES FUSSIN ABOUT

C: Purdy!!

LJ: Oh no they saw them!

C: RUH ROH

C: LOL. Indy’s fake laugh is perfect. “HAHAHAHA son of a bitch…”

LJ: Yes it is. Yes it is.

LJ: She’s got the right idea. I would totally be insisting upon a piggy back ride in the snake pit

C: Gees right??

LJ: Where the hell are all these snakes coming from

C: I don’t know but HERE WE GO GET READY!!!

LJ: Oh no more mummies!!

C: Why are the mummies making so much noise? They’re dead!

C: Ah yes the planeside fight. Perfect.

LJ: Oh god the most horrifying movie death of my childhood

C: Yeahhhh this one’s brutal…

LJ: And Marion on the anti aircraft guns!

C: You go girl!!!

LJ: …but then she gets stuck in the cockpit?

C: EWWW and there went Nazi giant.

LJ: AHH OMG EW DEATH BY PROPELLER

C: “I’m so pleased you’re not dead!” Oh Gimli. You always know the right things to say.

LJ: Hahahah

LJ: I don’t know, I’m making this up as I go

LJ: AND THEN HE HAS A HORSE

C: I find myself thinking of: “I don’t know. Fly casual.”

LJ: UGH HAN SUCH A SCOUNDREL

C: IndiHANa Jones!

LJ: CANNOT COMPUTE TOO MUCH JOY

LJ: Ha! One of the Germans climbing on the car just said scheisse

C: HA! Very sneaky, writers…

LJ: Indy climbs under the car!!!

C: LIKE A BOSS

LJ: And is subsequently dragged behind the car and then somehow gets back into the drivers seat!

C: LIKE A BOSS

C: All that with a bullet wound, too!

LJ: And that Nazi just hit a dog with a watermelon. Did you catch that?

C: Lol! No I missed it but RUDE.

LJ: YES MIRROR SMACK

C: LOL

LJ: ITS NOT THE YEARS, IT’S THE MILEAGE

C: Poor wounded Indy!!!

LJ: UUUUUGH

LJ: Also there is no way he would fall asleep like that

C: Bahaha. He tired!!!

C: Ruh roh! Marion caught again!

LJ: Why does Marion keep getting captured! She’s such a badass!

C: Yeah…kinda lame.

LJ: And why is she always in something revealing

LJ: DAMMIT GEORGE LUCAS

LJ: WHERE WAS YOUR STRONG FEMALE ROLE MODEL AS A CHILD

C: Hahahahaha. Let’s tweet him and ask.

C: YOU CLIMB ONTO THAT BOAT INDY

LJ: More maps!

C: Gotta love a good map.

C: …closely followed by a Nazi flag. Kinda ruins it.

LJ: Omg shirtless Harrison Ford again.

C: Beating the crap outta Nazis for a disguise. Atta boy.

LJ: And he found a jacket that fits, hooray!

C: Why they gotta go all this way to open a box?

LJ: Wait wait wait now they’re on an island??

LJ: And this is the SECOND time he chose the ark over Marion!!

LJ: And how does the French guy know all these rituals??

C: Oh that IS him isn’t it? Wtf??

C: Ahhh mystical Ark stuff!!!

LJ: And here’s a scene responsible for yet even more childhood nightmares!!

C: Yeah it’s scurry!!!

C: FACE MELT. YES.

LJ: FACE MELTING AHH

C: Woah. That was a moment.

LJ: And there are top men working on it now…

C: WHO?

C: TOP. MEN.

LJ: Oh Marion, I’m sorry you only have lines about drinking

C: Hahahaha it’s true, poor thing.

LJ: GIANT WAREHOUSE FULL OF SECRETOS

C: AHHHH GOV’MENT CONSPIRACIES!!!!

LJ: Theme music. It’s so good.

C: Yes to the music. Always yes.

LJ: Raiders! Arguably the best Indiana Jones movie!

C: Hoorayyyy Raiders!!!!

C: I don’t know if I’ve ever even seen Temple of Doom all the way through…

LJ: What.

LJ: WHAT.

C: I know. It’s blasphemous.

C: Good thing that’s next on the list!!

LJ: Huzzah! Tearing out hearts!

LJ: …and not that NSYNC song!

C: Ah yes. I am familiar with that. Both of those, actually.

C: …and now that song is in my head. DAMMIT.

LJ: ITS TEARIN UP MY HEART WHEN IM WITH YOU

C: BUT WHEN WE ARE APART I FEEL IT TOO

LJ: AND NO MATTER WHAT I DO I FEEL THE PAIN

C: WITH OR WITHOUT YOU

LJ: NOW DANCING

C: Dear God. We are so ‘90s/early ‘00s children.

LJ: And god bless us every one

C: Hahahaha

 

Hope your week is off to a good start, my friends! I leave you with Indy in all his professorly beauty: