Schuster Sister Shenanigans: Jurassic Park III

Time to wrap up another texting trilogy with the Schuster sisters! After starting with the epically awesome Jurassic Park and continuing with The Lost World: Jurassic Park, we’re here to close out this trio of dino films with Jurassic Park III…for better or worse. Haha. You ready for this??

Even the cast is shocked at how bad this movie is.

Laura Jo: …can I just say replacing TRex on the cover is the first mistake

Cara: Srsly

C: GOOOOOOOO

LJ: AHHHHHH

LJ: OMG IM GETTING PREVIEWS ARE U GETTING PREVIEWS

C: I was prepped. Skipped them.

C: Do you see an island??

LJ: TITLE SCREEN

LJ: Now the island, Isla Sorna restricted

C: People ON A BOAT

LJ: Oh dear, parasailing around Isla Sorna seems like just the worst idea

C: Did you see the sail says “Dino-Soar?” Clevah.

LJ: Hahahaha

LJ: Oh no watch out for the mysterious fog!!

C: RUH ROH

C: Aaaaaand away we goooo

C: Into the dino infested lands!

LJ: OMG ALAN AND ELLIE

C: DR. GRANT TRYING TO TEACH A 3-YEAR-OLD ABOUT DINOS IS PRESH

LJ: Yeah it’s the cutest

LJ: Since when is Ellie a hippie

C: Yeah she’s got a look now, huh?

LJ: Whyyyy don’t Grant and Ellie ❤ each other foreverrrrr

C: Right?? They were meant for each other!!

LJ: Foreshadowing: no force on earth or heaven could get me on that island

C: Lol. Yes very subtle.

C: OH GEES I REMEMBER THAT GUY’S RINGTONE NOW.

LJ: Yep. I’m getting a poor man’s Eddie vibe from him.

C: Yeah isn’t he a super sleaze or something?

LJ: Oh Billy, ARENT YOU A DREAMBOAT

Well hellooooo, Billy…

C: Ooooh I’d forgotten about Billy. #jurassicparkeyecandy

LJ: OMG THEY HAVE A 3D PRINTER

C: AND A RAPTOR CALLER

LJ: Oh hai William H Macy!

C: One of the few redeemable things about this movie.

C: Also, sketchy country bar to win over Dr. Grant? Really?

LJ: He does seem to know everyone there…

LJ: William H is also kind of channeling Fargo for me right now

C: Gees how much more awesome would it be if he had that Minnesota accent?

LJ: Aaaaand a check book gets Grant on the plane again #lazywriting

C: Swayed by money AGAIN??? Alan, bro, c’mon!!!

LJ: NYLON STRAPS

LJ: #jurassicparktrope

C: Also, didn’t Sarah have a lucky bag???

LJ: Yes she did

C: SO MANY TROPES

LJ: Stupid nightmare sequence

C: Yeah…

C: When did Alan become Indy? Hat over the eyes sleeping?

LJ: Truth

LJ: THIS MOVIE IS STEALING FROM EVERYBODY

LJ: And the epic soundtrack needs to chill out YOU HAVENT EARNED IT YET

C: LOL. You’re so right.

C: Aaaaand lights out for Grant.

LJ: Y’all don’t punch out the only qualified person on your plane

C: Right??

C: Amanda put the megaphone away ya dumbass!!!

LJ: Girlfriend that’s why you don’t bust our your megaphone on Isla Sorna

LJ: Vehicles in trees!!!!!

LJ: #jurassicparktropes

C: Cooper eaten by the poor man’s T-Rex.

C: AND YES!! TROPE!!

C: T-Rex replacement, why ya gotta eat the black guy? #racist

LJ: NOT COOL STUPID DINOSAUR

C: STUPIDSAURUS-REX

LJ: NICE SAIL DOUCHEBAG

C: LOL!!!

LJ: AHHHH TREX

C: Can we just talk about how quickly shit hits the fan? I feel like we were just now meeting the kids in Jurassic Park 1.

LJ: Yes. They had a giant CGI budget and were determined to use it I think.

C: Aaaand huge dino fight. Really? Already?

LJ: DUDES NOBODY WANTS TO SEE TREX GET HIS NECK SNAPPED

C: ASSHOLESAURUS IS UNNECESSARY

LJ: Spinosaurus, pffffft

C: Kid in danger. #jurassicparktropes

LJ: Aaaaaand William H lied the whole time.

LJ: Just stick w/ Dr. Grant folks

LJ: And Dreamboat Billy

C: Yeah. It’s hard to like anyone but Grant and Dreamboat in this one.

C: Wait, why is this awkward not-married married couple stopping to change clothes?

LJ: Cause they got dirty?

C: Like, did anyone ever bother to change clothes in any of the others? More important things to do, people!!!

LJ: Ok so the Kirbys own a paint store and aren’t millionaires and the other guy is a temp??

C: Worst. Team. Ever.

LJ: OMG the woman character in this is the worst.

C: Yeah Amanda needs to be a T-Rex snack pronto.

Amanda, how much do I hate thee? Let me count the ways…

LJ: Give me Ellie from JP1! Give me Sarah from JP2!

C: Or nerdy Lex! Or…what’s Jeff Goldblum’s daughter’s name?

LJ: Kelly!

C: Yeah! Let Kelly come back and kick a raptor in the face again!

LJ: Yeah! Kelly was way better than Amanda!

C: OH SHIT PAUSE

LJ: …it took me maybe 3 seconds to realize you meant “pause the movie” and weren’t spitting some hip new slang at my old ass

C: Haha. Sorry—it froze on me. Library disc. But I think it’s good now. They just called for Dr. Grant. Is that where you are?

LJ: She’s hugging William H and side-eyeing to the right. I think it’s about to happen. Go at 8:41/7:41?

C: Yes ma’am!

LJ: We are time lords

C: HA. Basically. #allonsy

This ACTUALLY HAPPENS on Doctor Who. True story.

LJ: Dr. Grant! You should come look at this!

LJ: Uh oh, raptor eggs

C: Ahhhhh!!!

LJ: Y’all stop talking there are raptors about!

LJ: Oh Billy you weren’t really photographing the nests were you

C: Ohhhh yeah Billy did a dumb thing…

C: #neverstealadinoegg

C: Or a dino BABY. #trope

LJ: Truth!

LJ: Billy, breaking vending machines like some kind of badass

LJ: M&Ms product placement

C: They’re the Nikons of this movie!!

LJ: Dino lab #gross

C: “This is how you make dinosaurs?”

C: “No. This is how you play God.” DRAMATIC.

LJ: WHOOPSIE THAT ONE’S REAL!!

C: No WAY a raptor would’ve stayed still like that.

LJ: Raptors trying to get into doors #jurassicparktrope

C: HA! Yep!

LJ: Also is it just me or is that a sissy feathered raptor

C: Yeah when did they get things on their heads??

C: ELVISAURUS HERD!!!

LJ: HAHAHAHA

LJ: They smart they running!

C: They need a little less conversation and a little more action.

LJ: Up into the trees! …again

C: Everything Amanda does and says makes me hate her.

LJ: And the raptors set a trap with the dead guy

LJ: Apparently the stupid hair makes them geniuses

LJ: And someone is smoke bombing the raptors, hooray!

C: And here comes little Rambo kid!

LJ: Eric! Because of course he survived the horrifying landscape with no supplies and lots of monsters

C: Gotta hand it to JP kids—they’re survivors.

LJ: And the child has a vial of TRex pee.

C: Ok…there is no way Eric could acquire T-Rex pee. I don’t care how much of a survivor he is.

C: OH DON’T GO DISSING MALCOLM YOU LITTLE BITCH

LJ: WHY YOU GOTTA HATE

LJ: And let’s rehash our marriage in the trees while raptors await below

C: This is why this movie is in last place in the JP hierarchy.

LJ: How does this kid survive but OUR AUSTRALIAN FRIEND FROM MOVIE 1 DOES NOT

C: …English friend? Wasn’t he English?

C: Alan travels with kids. #trope

LJ: WHOOPS SATELLITE PHONE

C: God that awful ringtone…the early 2000s were terrible for cell phone sounds.

C: Cell phone ringing in a dino stomach…really?

LJ: How does the phone ring sound carry out of such a huge animal

C: Cheese factor is off the charts.

LJ: And how does it BLOW THROUGH a steel fence but is stopped by DEADBOLT

C: HA! #importantquestions

LJ: Oh no Billy why you gotta steal raptor eggs

LJ: Oh great now Billy and Dr. Grant are fighting

LJ: OMG THE AVIARY

LJ: THIS IS THE WHOLE REASON FOR THIS STUPID MOVIE

C: BRING ON THE PTERODACTYLS!!!!!

LJ: YESSSSSS

C: God having this family in this one is the worst. Even with William H. Macy.

LJ: AMANDA FIRST 4 SURE

LJ: Oh god Eric run bro

LJ: IT’S A BIRDCAGE

C: Nooooo pterodactyl!!! Go back and pick up Eric’s mom instead!!!

LJ: Ahhhhhh terrifying baby pterodactyl!

C: Baby pterodactyls would be much more presh if they weren’t trying to eat Eric.

LJ: And DAMN BILLY DON’T YOU KNOW NOT TO BE A HERO IN JURASSIC PARK

C: You know nothing, Billy Snow.

LJ: Ummmmm parasail rescue…are you for real

LJ: AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY DO YOU GO BY BILLY

LJ: USE BILL LIKE A F*CKING GROWNUP

C: LOL!!!!!

C: Leave Billy alone!!!He’s the only handsome we’ve got!!!

LJ: OMG pterodactyl attack amazing

C: Dramatic pterodactyl reminds me of dramatic gopher…

LJ: Dramatic gopher?

C: Google it. (NOTE: It’s actually known by dramatic chipmunk…even though it’s a prairie dog…weird)

LJ: Whoops GATE AINT LOCKED FOLKS

C: Yeah wtf people??

C: Epic sweeping dino shot. #trope

LJ: Is it just me being a bitch or does the cgi suck in this movie?

C: Yeah it doesn’t seem as good.

LJ: And then they dig through steaming piles of Dino sh*t

C: DIGGING IN DINO POO. #TROPE

LJ: Also wtf dinosaur was that?! It had a sad unicorn nose horn

C: Yeah rando unicorn dino seems unnecessary…

C: YAAAASSSS CALL ELLIE

C: Goddammit, spinosaurus, no one invited you.

LJ: Spinosaurus why you gotta be a bummer!

LJ: Also THE TV IS PLAYING BARNEY

C: ALSO A DINOSAUR. JUST MADE THAT CONNECTION.

FYI: NOT how Barney is used in this movie.

LJ: And how the hell did that satellite phone survive the ENTIRE DIGESTIVE TRACT OF A PREHISTORIC MONSTER

C: HA. #importantquestions

LJ: And surely that spinosaurus has other, bigger, tastier things to hunt

C: Distracting a dino to save the others! #trope

C: Although he could’ve just eaten Amanda and it would’ve been cool…

LJ: Flare guns! #trope

LJ: …why is the water on fire

C: …I don’t know…

LJ: Well thank goodness William H took up swimming

C: LOL. Truth.

LJ: What’s the point of that fishing story?

C: Ugh. This needs to stop trying to be a feel-good family film AND Jurassic Park. Can’t be both.

LJ: Aaaaaand RAPTORS

LJ: FOR NO REASON, RAPTORS

I found the exact scene we are talking about…WITH THE RAPTORS REPLACED BY TOM HIDDLESTONS. BEST. GIF. EVER.

C: “They’re challenging us!” Really?

LJ: Why doesn’t that one have hair

C: I wish I knew…

LJ: Y’all need a new stylist

C: And now Grant tries to speak raptor…

LJ: …which he does surprisingly well!

C: Haha he does, doesn’t he?

LJ: Oh hooray, let’s make the woman be the one to give them eggs

LJ: Because of the mysteries of females and maternal sh*t

C: HECK YES ELLIE SAVES THE DAY

LJ: And Ellie is still a total badass who apparently commands the navy and marines

C: EXACTLY

LJ: Heeeeyyyy Dreamboat Billy!

C: He lives!!!

LJ: …how the hell did you escape the psychotic pterodactyls?

C: Good question!!

C: HELICOPTER

LJ: #jurassicparktrope

C: And the pterodactyls leave the island to spread chaos elsewhere…

Yeah, they look cute NOW. Wait till they crap on your car.

LJ: Such a waste of good theme music

C: God is that it? This movie isn’t even a full hour and a half!

LJ: Really??!

LJ: I’m coining a hashtag

LJ: #YALLQUIT

C: DO IT.

C: This movie has zero emotional resonance. I am underwhelmed.

LJ: It’s just so bad. Why is it so bad?

C: I don’t know but it hurts me.

LJ: I mean Spielberg did the first two and someone else did this one

C: Ohhh well that’s the problem then! One of the problems anyway. Haha.

C: However bad it was, we finished another trilogy!!! GO US!!!

LJ: WE’RE SO AWESOME

C: I have ideas for the next one, but did you have any preference?

LJ: No preference really, but ideas certainly

C: I want to hear your ideas!

 

CLASSIFIED CONVERSATION ENSUES AND THEN…

 

C: Also, I thought about [INSERT SPOILER]

LJ: OMG YES

LJ: [INSERT SPOILER] ALWAYS

C: [INSERT SPOILER] then?

LJ: A WORLD OF YES

C: HIGH FIVE!!!

LJ: *high five emoji*

C: Here’s an important question though: do we include [INSERT SPOILER]?

LJ: …

LJ: If we include [INSERT SPOILER] is should be a drinking game.

C: HAHAHAHA

C: That could actually be amazing.

LJ: Xoxo. Goodnight Cara bear ax <–autocorrect and it stays

C: HA! Nighty night Laura Jorus Rex!

 

You heard it here first, kiddos—we might have to make one of the films in the next set into a drinking game. It was so fun to let people guess our next set of films last time that I’ll let you guess again! This is probably gonna be too easy, but…we’re at least doing three awesome films and possibly a fourth one, though the fourth one never should have been made. Guess away. TGIF, my friends! I shall leave you with something that would’ve made Twilight a million times better: