THE IPC’s APRIL FOOLS

For today’s treatment of Mistress Cara’s April Fools program, I bring to the table the wildly popular, international film that EVERYONE has seen and written about throughout the ages, the amazing and wonderful WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SOLANGE!! Remember when you saw this the first, second or third times? The daffodils might have been in blown, the wind might have been blowing through your hair. Maybe you were on a first date with a relative stranger or contemplating the geographics of making out in those bucket seats in the front of your pick-up. Perhaps it was your anniversary and you were capping off a night in the big city, having eaten truffles and escargot at a 100 dollar a plate venue or you had just turned on your 8MM film player as you untied your bow tie and stripped out of your formal attire? Whatever it was, whatever the beauty of that first time, you know it was a magical evening of watching a murder mystery where the killer kills his victims by sticking knives up ladies’ hoo-haws. Off screen, mind you!!! Off screen!!!!

Since we’ve all seem this, I don’t need to go into what it’s about, much, right? Well, on the off chance you missed this for some reason let’s discuss this for a second. But let me ask you a couple of questions before this primer. Have you ever heard the term “Giallo”? Have you ever heard the term “A Cautionary Tale”? Let me wait a few moments for your answers.

Very good, Abbi! Here’s what she said: “Giallo (Italian pronunciation: [ˈdʒallo], plural gialli) is a 20th-century Italian genre of literature and film. In Italy, the term simply denotes thrillers, typically of the crime fiction and mystery subgenres, regardless of the country of origin. In English-speaking countries, however, the term “giallo” is used to refer to a particular style of Italian-produced murder mystery film which often includes elements of horror fiction and eroticism (similar to the French fantastique genre). The genre began in the late 1960s, peaked in popularity during the 70s, and subsequently declined over the next few decades (though some examples continue to be produced up to the present day). It is considered to be a predecessor to, and significant influence on, the later American Slasher film genre. The word giallo is Italian for yellow. Its use as a label denoting the thriller genre derives from its association with a series of cheap paperback mystery novels, popular in post-fascist Italy, which were adorned with yellow covers.”

She also added: “By its very nature the giallo challenges our assumptions about how non-Hollywood films should be classified, going beyond the sort of Anglo-American taxonomic imaginary that ‘fixes’ genre both in film criticism and the film industry in order to designate something specific. …however, despite the giallo’s resistance to clear definition there are nevertheless identifiable thematic and stylistic tropes.”

Brian, who answered the second question with “A poem about my penis!” was wrong. The correct answer came from My Main Baller, Melissa with: “A cautionary tale is a tale told in folklore, to warn its hearer of a danger. There are three essential parts to a cautionary tale, though they can be introduced in a large variety of ways. First, a taboo or prohibition is stated: some act, location, or thing is said to be dangerous. Then, the narrative itself is told: someone disregarded the warning and performed the forbidden act. Finally, the violator comes to an unpleasant fate, which is frequently related in expansive and grisly detail.”

Now that we’re up to date, let’s do this: What Have You Done to Solange is a Giallo Cautionary Tale about the dangers of doing drugs, having orgies, smokng weed, drinking and having forbidden sex. For real.  Solange did this things see, and now she’s DEAD!!! DEAD!!! And now someone is going around killing all of her friends because she’s MURDERED!!!!! And he’s killing them by stabbing them in their hoo-haws!!!! HOO-HAWS!!!!

But who’s doing all of the stabbing?? Is it the philandering college professor?? Is it his jealous as fuck wife?? Is it the school custodian who likes to peep on girls taking showers??? Is it the cop??? is it the priest??? Is it SOLANGE????? You’ll never know until the very last second and then you won’t have seen that coming!! All kidding aside, this is a very well made movie that, aside from the film stock and sound, really stands the test of time. You should totally give it a watch.

Also – I’ve been peeping on you.