NOOOOvember 2013: Spider-Man 3

Just a few more days of disappointment left! How will this blog go on without these wretched, wretched films?! Well…I’ll have to manage. Maybe go back to reviewing good films, I guess. If you think you might’ve missed out on some of the other wonderfully terrible failure films of NOOOOvember, just check into the Archives, where you can find more reviews from me and several much-loved contributors. Now for one of my very biggest disappointments: Spider-Man 3.

This one…it’s just painful. First of all, I don’t love Tobey Maguire, but I was able to get over that for the first two Spider-Man films, which, though not perfect, are pretty darn decent films. Then, this train wreck came along. Oh, Spider-Man 3. How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.

***WARNING: SPOILERS MAY FOLLOW***

 

Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Synopsis: “A strange black entity from another world bonds with Peter Parker and causes inner turmoil as he contends with new villains, temptations, and revenge.” –www.imdb.com

The Excitement:

• Peter (Tobey Maguire) and Mary Jane (Kirsten Dunst) are tying the knot? ‘Bout time he put a ring on it!
• Peter’s Uncle Ben was actually killed by Flint Marko (Thomas Haden Church) aka Sandman? The plot thickens!
• Ooooh Venom changes Spidey into an angry, black-suited menace? Creepy and intriguing!
• Uh oh! Harry (James Franco) has taken up his dad’s hobby? Looks like Spider-Man has a new Goblin to deal with…
• All the villains! All the action! All the drama! This is going to be a great third installment!

The Disappointment:

• Woah, woah, woah—there is way too much going on here. You’d think three villains would equal three times the fun, but nope. Not the case. With all these baddies running around, we never really get to hone in and develop any one of them. We barely get to see Harry suited up as the new Goblin, Marko/Sandman is wooden and lifeless, and Topher Grace seems a very odd fit for obnoxious Eddie Brock/Venom. Plus, where did Venom even come from? It’s a mess, people.
• The dialogue. Oh God, the dialogue. Call me a writing major snob, but really, just listen to what these people say. Because it’s bad. Like, nails-on-a-chalkboard bad.
• Dancing, emo Peter Parker. What. The. Hell. Stop it. Stop it right now.
• The first half of this movie seems to drag. When things finally kick into gear, I’m annoyed and I’ve kind of lost interest.
• Harry dies in the exact same way his father did…I realize it’s supposed to be symbolic or whatever since he actually saves Peter, but REALLY?
• So after we’ve calmed down from the big battle and we’ve gone to Harry’s funeral, the last big scene is…MJ singing (poorly) and then dancing with Peter. End scene, end film, and end trilogy…WHAT? Can’t we at least get one last epic shot of Spidey slinging webs high above NYC traffic??
• Not even a cameo from Bruce Campbell as a French waiter can save this film. That’s saying something. Thank God for reboots. Good luck with your third film, Andrew Garfield.

How to Recover: I don’t know…Can you recover from this atrocity? Mentioned above, you could try last year’s Amazing Spider-Man, which I thought was a pretty solid reboot. As an anti-Maguire gal, I much prefer knowing Andrew Garfield’s cute little British face is behind Spidey’s mask. Or you could turn to other Marvel heroes for solace—Iron Man (the first one), X-Men (the first two), or Avengers. If that doesn’t work, restore your faith in superheroes via a gentler, cartoon route—Batman: The Animated Series. ‘90s gold can cure any ailment.

One more disappointment checked off the list! I gotta tell ya, I like to watch these films again to reaffirm my hatred, but this one really hurt to watch. NOOOOvember is wearing me down! Nonetheless, I’m going to try to crank out at least one more before the month is through. Then, it’s all about CHRISTMAS MOVIES! But I’ll give details about that later. 😉