NOOOOvember 2014: Isaacs Picture Conclusions

Hello!! Look who’s back to seduce and destroy Silver Screen Serenade???!!????!!!! That’s right!! Today I take pen in hand to dive – but not DRIVE – into a pitiful film from the makers of DRIVE that promised us SO MUCH and delivered JACK SHIT – that’s right, for Mistress Cara’s NOOOOvember, I present to you the LOUSY, that’s right, I used the word lousy, ONLY GOD FORGIVES.


I know I wrote about this for one of our Shitfests that we had – you could see it HERE – but I figured it was time to revisit this pitiful, stinking bile in case this started popping up on your cable channels now that it’s time for syndication and shit.

After these guys got together and made the fantastic DRIVE, they hooked up again and put together this. The commercials made it look a lot like DRIVE and a bunch of us ran around like horny Frenchmen when it actually came out and then we all sat there for what seemed like eight hours watching Ryan Gosling stare into space. Occasionally someone said something and when they did it didn’t mean anything and some guy does karaoke and someone cuts off some hands and then there’s this (and our IPC artistic rendering of it).


Then Gosling’s character’s mom rolls into town and they go to dinner and – of all things – she talks about how epic her son’s pee-pee was (not Gosling, his dead brother)…


And then someone gets killed and Gosling puts his hands in their guts and I got distracted when I was googling images for this and saw what’s her face’s apples:



I hated this movie so much I can’t even believe it. I mean for real – it’s two hours of this:


Well – there’s that. Thank you, Mistress Cara for letting me out of my hole for a few minutes! It obeys and will return to it’s home now.

20 thoughts on “NOOOOvember 2014: Isaacs Picture Conclusions

  1. Hahaha!!! Ipes, this was a much higher-quality film than that OGF shiite-Muslims.

    Third video segment was best. The way you craned your neck to look longingly at the blank wall was more heartfelt acting than anything Gosling or that Asian dude did in it. Glad you hate it too. What a bollocks.


    • Itch!


      Thank you, thank you! I’d also like to thank The Academy for recognizing the anguish it took for me to get through that fucking movie. Oops! Language!! Sorry Cara!!!!


  2. Besmear me once, shame on you! Besmear me twice, shame on me! Besmear me THREE times…Is that back to shame on you? Whatever. SHAME ON YOU EITHER WAY!!!!

    …But really, thanks for doing this, bud. These videos crack my ass up. 😀


    • HA!!!!!! I snuck out of my hole!!!!! Why doesn’t auto-correct like the word “snuck”??? Isn’t that a word???? Does it want me to use sneaked???



      It Obeys.

      • Your autocorrect IS correct, believe it or not!!! “Sneaked” is grammatically correct–even if it does sound terrible. Bahahaha.

        It is a good and kind It. *head pat*

  3. Wow – These videos were awesome: “You know we’re rolling!” – classic and Thank Heavens for the filmic debut of the spaceman helmet!

  4. Dearest and Kindest Chop,

    PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO on Only God Forgives. I feel like this was a far more productive usage of my severely limited study time 😛 PLUS there was no super uncomfortable dinner conversation. What a wretched movie. And this after Drive, which is right up there on my list.




  5. Ha! I need to watch this movie. Seriously. I gotta see how bad it really is! I’m sure these videos are far more enjoyable than watching Gosling stare. And fight. And stare. Nice work! 🙂

    • Have you not learned anything from this place?? This movie is MISERABLE… You DON’T need to see this, you wanking tosser.


      : )

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