Schuster Sister Shenanigans: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

The Shenanigans are BACK!!! My sister/partner-in-crime, Laura Jo, and I took a woefully long break from this texting endeavor, which began two months ago with Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, but today we’re ready to close things out with an epic conclusion. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, LET’S DO THIS.

 

Cara: TWO MINUTES

Laura Jo: For once I am queued up and ready!

LJ: GOOOOOO

C: OH INDY WE’VE MISSED YOU

LJ: And we get Sean Connery as a bonus!!

C: Heck yeah!!!

LJ: Oh I forgot River Phoenix was in the beginning of this

C: Why do I know that name…?

LJ: Cause he’s a famous actor who died too young

C: Bummer. 😦

LJ: Archaeologist cowboys?

C: But the origin of Indy’s hat!!

LJ: This was before he was afraid of snakes too!

LJ: Run River run!

LJ: Omg he whistled for the horse.

C: Sassy horse don’t sass right now!

LJ: Circus train! …it seems like a great idea to hop on that!

C: Um of COURSE!

LJ: Ew covered in snaaaaaaakes

LJ: AHHH snake in yo junk

C: Aaaaand now he’s afraid of snakes…

C: AHHH RAMPAGING RHINO

LJ: #dontpissofftherhinos

LJ: #theyaintplayin

C: AND THE WHIP

LJ: INDYS WHIP

LJ: HE GOT ALL HIS STUFFS IN ONE CHILDHOOD ADVENTURE

C: Very convenient.

LJ: They also just explained Harrison Ford’s chin scar

C: HA! I guess they did!

C: DOGGY

LJ: Husky doggie!!!

LJ: Oh hello Mr. Connery!

LJ: Oh bummer then the law took back Indy’s toy

C: But he got a sweet hat out of it.

LJ: CEREMONIAL HAT PASSING ON

LJ: And now we’re in a storm on a boat!

C: And welcome back grownup Indy!!

LJ: “That belongs in a museum!”

C: You tell ‘em, Dr. Jones!

LJ: Oh man this gold necklace is complicating things for a lot of people

LJ: Oh no Indy overboard!!!!

C: It’s cool, everybody—convenient floatation device to the rescue!

LJ: Omg wait how did he sink the whole boat?!

C: Because INDY.

LJ: Oh hai Marcus!

LJ: Woah Indy is like the Beatles of his university!

C: Srsly. This is intense. Of course he probably only has like 2 office hours a year so…

LJ: Haha true. Sometimes you just gotta bounce.

C: Or, like, all the time. Lol.

LJ: He busy.

C: It’s true. Endless epic adventures take time.

LJ: The holy grail!

LJ: Female!! There was a female with lines!

C: GASP. There was!!! A pointless interruption…but a female nonetheless!!!

LJ: Oh man this is a lot of exposition haha

C: Just kinda…

LJ: Oh no Indy’s dad disappeared!!!

C: And his place is TORE UP FROM THE FLOOR UP.

LJ: Y’all why you gotta make such a damn mess

C: RUDE

LJ: And off they go! Marcus too!

C: Map!! #indytropes

LJ: Oh HOLLAH you’re right!

LJ: Hellooooo Dr. Schneider

C: She’s def a fox. And already a helluva lot less annoying than Willie.

LJ: Truuuuuuuth

LJ: The tomb is somewhere in the library!!

C: Look at him, already solving problems.

LJ: In like, three minutes haha

LJ: X marks the spot!! Oh you clever writers, you.

LJ: Aaaand now we’re gonna get busy opening the floor of the ancient building

C: HA! Stamping librarian is so confused by the noise!

C: Eeek skulls embedded in the wall…

C: #nothanks

LJ: Oh no Marcus behiiiiiind yooouuu

C: MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

C: Taken out by…Shriners?

LJ: HAHAHAHA

LJ: Aaaaaaand Indy breaks through stone walls using ONLY HIS BODY

C: And finds SO MANY EFFING RODENTS.

C: Ugh. Almost as bad as the bugs in Temple of Doom.

C: But thank GOD Elsa doesn’t bitch and moan about it.

LJ: FOR REAL

LJ: PS Where is all this light coming from

C: Ooooh good question

LJ: Ahhhhhh why Shriners whyyyy

LJ: Wait is the idea that they are in petroleum?

LJ: Oh there she goes with the screaming

LJ: Although I would too if I were trapped in an upside down coffin with fire and rats

C: Exactly. We’ll give her a pass there.

LJ: And hey, she can drive a speedboat!!!

LJ: …also they just totally peaced on Marcus

C: Where IS Marcus? Is he still snoozing in the library?

C: Ahhhh between da boats!

LJ: Mom is right: the bad guys are always terrible shots

C: It’s an action movie fact

LJ: I like that he’s asking questions!

LJ: Woah! Brotherhood tat!

C: Why is bad guy suddenly so helpful??

LJ: Oh and hooray, all he had to do was ask them where his father was!

C: Shriner bad guys are the least bad bad guys?

C: So this place got torn to shreds…and nobody heard?

LJ: Sooo, yeah, they must have just knocked Marcus out and left him?

LJ: Does it seem like Harrison Ford has a cold in this scene or is it just me?

LJ: Like they’re good guys but there was a misunderstanding?

LJ: Uh oh their room is a mess!!

LJ: Ooooo her robe is gorgeous

LJ: They were busy.

LJ: Woah! Why are they making out now?!

LJ: What just happened?!

C: WOAH. I just got like 6 of your texts at once. Bahaha.

LJ: Sorry. There were overwhelming questions.

C: It’s true.

C: SCOTTISH INDY

LJ: OMG SCOTTISH INDY

LJ: Creepin around

LJ: Inna castle

LJ: Like you do

C: When all else fails…face punch.

LJ: Yeah punch first seems to be Indy’s go-to

C: “Nazis. I hate these guys.”

LJ: Ha! “Nazis…I hate these guys.”

LJ: LOL

LJ: We’re the same.

C: JINX JOKE YOU OWE ME A COKE

LJ: JINX PINCH PINNER YOU OWE ME DINNER

LJ: Also wtf kind of Gone with the Wind bdsm outfit is homegirl wearing

C: Oh I didn’t see that outfit…but Sean Connery!!!

LJ: He’s SO PERFECT in this movie

C: JUNIOR. PRESH.

LJ: LOVE IT

LJ: Awwww they’re having a moooooment

C: And Daddy Jones is adorably excited.

LJ: “They wanted my diary. I knew I had to get that book as far away from me as I possibly could.” OOPSIES.

C: Hahaha

LJ: I TOLD YOU

LJ: RATATATAATATTATAT

LJ: Don’t call me Junior.

C: It’s the best.

LJ: See look at her outfit

LJ: Aaaaand she’s a NAZI. DAMMIT.

C: Hmm I kinda see. DEVIOUS SCHNEIDER!!!

C: Gasp! Donovan!

LJ: Oh no! Donovan! This is a setup!

LJ: Is it just me or is she suddenly British?

C: She is a little! Elsa, what’s your deal gurl?

LJ: OMG GIMLI

C: OMG GIMLI’S BAAAAAACK!!!!

LJ: Marcus run. No, really, run. Marcus! Run!

C: GAWD man take the not-so-subtle hint.

LJ: Wtf how does he get herded DIRECTLY INTO A NAZI TRUCK

C: Poor, helpless Marcus…

LJ: Ugh Elsa you are effing things up for blond girls JUST AS MUCH AS WILLIE

C: Yeah. Willie is the dumb annoying Blonde, Elsa is the slutty, bitchy one. NOT COOL.

LJ: It’s more that she’s a LYING NAZI.

LJ: Whoops, fire!

C: And then Papa Jones set the place on fire.

LJ: Butterfingers.

C: Quite a family reunion.

LJ: Where is Mama Jones?

C: Oooh good question…

C: Hey secret fireplace switch into secret Nazi room!

LJ: Talk about between a rock and a hard place

LJ: OMG Indy theme music!

C: Heck yeah!

LJ: Oh no! Falling down the secret stairs!

C: Also, I know they’re Nazis, but Indy just trapped a bunch of dudes in a roaring inferno…

LJ: Well they can always go back into their secret room until help comes

C: Yeah but he put the statue there so it couldn’t switch back!

LJ: Moral questions with Indiana Jones

LJ: However that sidecar is AMAZING

C: AND THE JOUSTING

LJ: OH, NICE MACHINE GUN, TOO BAD I JUST FOUND THIS FLAG POLE

C: Hahahahaha

C: Hey Mama Jones is mentioned!

LJ: BUT STILL A MYSTERY

LJ: OMG and now we’re book burning

LJ: Dammit Nazis you just SUCK SO MUCH

C: Such joyful music for a book burning too…

C: ELSA DON’T CRY YOU’RE PART OF THIS STUPID

LJ: Elsa stop being sad this is ALL YOUR FAULT

LJ: Woah and then Indy got murdery

LJ: Aaaaaaand then there was that day you were face to face with Hitler

C: Just a normal day for our hero.

LJ: OMG the blimp!!!! I forgot about the blimp!!!!

LJ: I am still terrified of blimps because of a combination of this movie and The Rocketeer

C: More face punching. #indytropes

C: “No ticket.” HA.

LJ: “No ticket.” Hahaha

C: JIIIIIIINNNNNXXXX

LJ: WE ARE THE SAME

C: It’s true. Double the awesome.

LJ: He just said to his son, “You left just when you were becoming interesting.”

LJ: Yikes bikes Dr. Jones

C: Yeah…Papa Jones has got some fatherly lessons to learn

LJ: And swiftly into the…escape plane?

C: For those handy dandy blimp emergencies…but only for two of you.

C: Oh. And it’s an attack escape plane…wait what?

LJ: Hahahaha crazy Nazis

LJ: And they land with zero injuries!

LJ: Oh no being in a car chased by a plane seems ruhl bad

C: “This is intolerable!” Papa Jones’ catchphrase is adorably indignant.

LJ: I’m gonna start using that on the 6 train

C: Please do.

LJ: And he took down a plane WITH SEAGULLS

LJ: Oh hai Shriners!

C: Mustache Shriner is not amused.

C: Gimli again! Hey bro!

LJ: Gimli’s tie is CHOICE

C: That’s what I was JUST thinking.

C: Woah Elsa got some Catwoman goggles goin on.

LJ: At least she left the Deep South costumes-wise

C: Truth.

LJ: Ha! “Dad, we’re well out of range.” BOOM

C: WHOOPSIE

C: “NO. CAMELS.” Indy whatchu got against dem camels?

C: Papa Jones, why you gotta waste time with that frat boy greeting when there are Nazis about??

LJ: NO KIDDING

LJ: Ugh and of course it’s a horse against a tank!

C: Tank vs Indy. Seems like an even match.

LJ: HA

LJ: Srsly we are the same mind tonight

LJ: RUN PONY RUN

C: PUNCH INDY PUNCH

LJ: Oh no!!! Here comes yet another traumatizing childhood movie death

C: There always has to be one in these huh? #indytropes

LJ: SHUT THE HELL UP YOU SMARMY PERISCOPE OPERATOR

C: Hahahaha

LJ: OMG MARCUS FO REAL

C: Marcus is so proud of his awful joke.

LJ: SAVE YOUR METAPHORS FOR LATER

C: Bahaha

LJ: Omg okay hanging off the side of a tank while being smacked with a shovel by a Nazi is now near the top of my HELL NAW list

C: Exactly. How did that even happen??? Indy what is your life???

LJ: THEME MUSIC!

C: FACE PUNCH

LJ: HA! “I just wanna get off this thing!” —Thunk.

LJ: OMG Gimli where did you come from????!

C: He’s the best little sidekick!

LJ: THE TANK IS OVER THE CLIFF

C: Papa Jones is devastated!! 😦

C: JONES HUG

LJ: Awwww HUGS!

LJ: And the universe benevolently returns his hat!

C: Of course!! A hatless Indy won’t do.

LJ: Canyon of the Crescent Moon, here we come!

LJ: Oh man. And now we’ve caught up to the Nazis.

LJ: Oh no! They’ve been caught!

C: “I’m like a bad penny—I always turn up.” *cringe* Oh God Indy really?

LJ: OH NO SEAN CONNERY JONES

C: PAPA JONES NOOOOOOOO

LJ: ELSA SHUT THE HELL UP YOU FORFEITED ALL YOUR RIGHTS TO CARE EARLIER

LJ: I def learned penitent from this movie

C: Oh damn had to do more than be penitent to get through that!!

LJ: Yeah no kidding.

LJ: IN LATIN JEHOVAH STARTS WITH AN I

C: Indy time to remember your Latin alphabet bro.

C: YOU MUST BELIEVE

C: And then he walked on air.

LJ: INVISIBLE ROCK BRIDGE

C: DAMN IEHOVAH YOU SNEAKY

LJ: Omg don’t beat up that old ass knight!!!

C: Resist the face punch Indy!!! You’ll break him!!!

LJ: And then the hangers-on arrived.

C: Wait—how did Donovan and Elsa get past all those obstacles??

LJ: Aaaaand then Elsa arbitrarily picks some gold cup. THANKS, FROULEIN. (I don’t even care that that is misspelled.)

C: Close enough. Lol.

C: EEEEK RAPID AGING!!!!

LJ: OMG RAPID AGING

C: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA WE ARE THE SAME

LJ: WHAT IS GOING ON WHY ARE WE THE SAME

C: THE UNIVERSE MADE US THE SAME TODAY

LJ: Elsa doesn’t even blink!! She just killed that guy and she’s like, next!

C: “You have chosen wisely.” HELL YEAH, INDY.

LJ: Soooo…Indy and his father are immortal now?

C: Ummmm…yes?

C: Oh Elsa you dumb broad…

LJ: ELSA

LJ: WHY

LJ: Famous last words

C: “Indiana. Let it go.” TENDER MOMENT.

LJ: “Indiana, let it go…” BECAUSE WE’RE IMMORTAL NOW

C: Aww goodbye sweet old knight!

LJ: Hopefully you won’t be stuck in there alone, like, forevs!

LJ: Oooo inspiring Indiana Jones music!

C: Oh Marcus. Bless your heart.

LJ: He’s the sweetest. I just want to give him a cup of tea (but blow on it first).

C: And away they gooooo!

LJ: INTO THE SUNSET

C: YES. PERFECTION.

LJ: A fitting end to an epic journey

C: Awww yaaayyy Indiana Jones!!! What a sweet finale!!!

LJ: And our 3^rd movie series is done!

C: HIGH FIVE

LJ: (Dear readers: we’re ignoring Crystal Skull.)

C: Yeah Crystal Skull is useless.

LJ: Um PS according to the credits Mr. Ford’s stand-in is named Jack Dearlove

C: HA. I love that so much.

C: But what next???

 

**TOP SECRET CONVERSATION ENSUES**

 

I don’t want to spoil what our next film trio will be—particularly because it will be a small part of a much larger endeavor involving a huge company. Can you guess what that company is? Also, here’s a bonus conversation we had on Halloween about The Woman in Black. WARNING: contains potential spoilers.

 

LJ: Oh a scale of 1 to WHY GOD WHY, how scary is Woman in Black?

C: For you…8?

LJ: What about if I’m babysitting late-night at an empty, large apt on the upper west side and I thought to watch the movie in the spirit of Halloween and NOW I’M TERRIFIED

C: ABORT. WATCH HOCUS POCUS.

LJ: DON’T HAVE WIFI PW

LJ: WOST IDEA EVER FOR REAL

C: Um…um…PUPPIES. CUTE, CUTE PUPPIES. THINK OF PUPPIES.

LJ: Watching with no sound is helping.

C: ALSO DANIEL RADCLIFFE IS A WIZARD WHO CAN MAGIC AWAY THE WOMAN IN BLACK. EXPECTO PATRONUM!!!

LJ: Fingers crossed.

LJ: OH GOD HIS SON JUST ARRIVED AND IS WALKING TOWARD THE TRAIN TRACK NOOOO

LJ: EEEEEEWWWWW AHHHHHH

C: Eh. You might wanna just, you know, stop the movie now…

LJ: IS HE A FREAKING GHOST NOW?!?!

LJ: WHY DID I DO THIS

C: IF I HAND’T BEEN IN A MOVIE I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU NOT TO!!!!

LJ: OUR SIBLING RELATIONSHIP DEMANDS YOUR ACCESSIBILITY AT ALL TIMES REGARDLESS OF CIRCUMSTANCE

C: I WAS NOT AWARE THIS WAS IN OUR CONTRACT AND I APOLOGIZE.

LJ: DAMMIT SCHUSTER

Heh. Whoops. Sorry, sis. Anyway, hope you guys had fun with this Indy series. More soon! 🙂