Oh yeah. It’s time for Shenanigans. Last time, my sister and I began our texting adventure with everybody’s favorite archaeologist, Indiana Jones, in his premiere tale, Raiders of the Lost Ark. Naturally, the next step was Temple of Doom. Warning: we hate the leading lady in this, and we make that pretty clear.
Laura Jo: Cuing up…
Cara: ONE MINUTE
C: GO TIME
C: Ominous gong!!
LJ: OMG I forgot this movie started with this rendition of Anything Goes
C: Oh is that what this craziness is??
LJ: so many sequins
C: Like is it just me or is this movie already trying too hard? Lol.
LJ: At least there are females onscreen!
LJ: …even if they are being kind of objectified!
C: In sequins—not hunting for rare artifacts!!
LJ: Indy inna white tux yessss
C: Uh oh! Gun under the table!
LJ: The deal was for the diamond!
LJ: No no no not the martini Indy!!
C: Ruh roh…
C: This lady is already annoying me a little. Bring back Marion!!! #bringbackmarion
LJ: Oh no Indy’s fraaaaaaind
C: Poor fella… 😦
LJ: OMG THROW THE FLAMING MEAT SKEWER WHYDONCHA
C: WOAH. That is a heck of a way to go.
C: INDY JUST PUNCHED SOME LADY
LJ: BECAUSE GEORGE LUCAS
C: GEORGE LUCAS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
LJ: And now for all the balloons ever.
C: Cymbal to the head might win this fight
C: ROLLING ROUND ITEM OF DEATH #indytropes
LJ: Why does he take sequined girl home with him?
LJ: OMG SHORT ROUND STEP ON IT
C: God this kid was precious. But you can kinda tell he knew he was precious.
LJ: Sidebar: I totally went on a date with an ex-marine whose call sign was ShortRound.
LJ: It didn’t last.
C: Yes, I would imagine not.
LJ: OMG WHY DOES BILLIE SUCK
LJ: OR WILLIE
LJ: WHAT THE HELL IS HER STUPID BOY NAME
C: Is that her name?? She’s just as useless as what’s her name from JP3 (which you can see us discuss here)!!!
LJ: Oh man what WAS her name (It was Amanda, and she was terrible.)
C: IM GONNA CALL THIS WOMAN ILLY CAUSE SHE MAKES ME ILL
LJ: GIANT MAP
C: Illy can’t act her way out of a paper sack.
LJ: I wish she would act her way into one…
C: And never come out?
LJ: Okay so why would the grand plan be for the pilots to jump ship—leaving the plane to crash and all the cargo lost—only to kill Indiana Jones?
C: That’s what I was JUST WONDERING. That’s an expensive way to murder someone.
LJ: OMG STAR WARS SOUND
LJ: DID YOU HEAR THAT
LJ: THE FUEL GIVING OUT WAS JUST LIKE THE FALCON
C: Is it??? I’ll have to YouTube that…
C: Chicken feather errwhere
LJ: Liferafts will TOTALLY save you when jumping out of an airplane in the mountains somewhere
C: Oh totes. You won’t even have a scratch on you.
LJ: And they’ve got from the top of a snow-covered mountain to…the jungle?
C: Ha! Asked the creepy, silent man…
C: Okay is Short Round his dead friend’s son?
LJ: Excellent question. No idea.
LJ: OMG JUST EAT THE FOOD ILLY
C: ILLY SUCKS ON A LEVEL I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE
C: ALSO HER PERM IS OUTTA CONTROL—AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY
LJ: At least the treatment of native peoples is slightly better in this movie…
C: That’s true. Also, Indy is adorable with a little friend.
LJ: Also how does Indy speak this language?!
C: Because Indy
LJ: OMG they stole their children!!!!!! Evildoers wtf!!
LJ: Some props person worked very hard on that magic piece of painted canvas
C: Good for you, prop person! We appreciate you.
LJ: FYI, Google tells us that Short Round looks EXACTLY THE SAME today
C: That would not surprise me.
C: Also, INDY ON ELEPHANT ERMERGERD.
LJ: I hate Willie so much.
C: Yeah she’s the worst.
C: WHERE THE HELL IS AWESOME MARION???
LJ: Marion realized Indy wasn’t going to change and she went and found herself a grown ass man who could be a present partner
C: WHY ARE YOU PUTTING PERFUME ON AN ELEPHANT WILLIE YOU DUMBASS???
LJ: OMG WILLIE
LJ: STOP YOUR TANTRUM
C: SHES A DAMN CHILD
C: Yes, vampire bat. Kill her please.
LJ: Oh wait Shorty’s family was killed. He’s been on the street since he was 4
C: Yep! Now we know!
LJ: Komodo dragon
C: Really any one of the animals could kill her and it’d be great.
LJ: Hey lady, you call him Dr. Jones!
C: HA! Tell her Shorty!
C: I love that the elephant is harassing her during this whole conversation.
LJ: If only she had ANY SUBSTANCE AT ALL
LJ: She’s wearing HEELS FTLOG.
LJ: (For the love of god)
LJ: (I think I just made that up)
C: Lol. I thought it was a typo.
LJ: Uh oh scawwy statues
C: Ew. But the fingers are new…
C: Seriously, every time Willie speaks I want someone to punch her.
LJ: HAHAHAHA “This is Mr. Round”
LJ: “Short. Round.”
C: Lol! Presh.
LJ: Indian saris are so pretty!
LJ: Ugh and Willie immediately starts gold digging
LJ: OH YEAH I forgot the Maharaja is a bitty bitty boy!
C: Oh man! He’s barely older than Shorty!
LJ: Snake surprise!
LJ: And yet somehow Indy misses that one get set down on the table
C: God I don’t know how…the snake stuff is straight up disgusting…
LJ: Also I love Indian food and I have never eaten snakes or bugs
LJ: Or soup with gory eyeballs
C: Yeah this all seems pretty unreal…
LJ: I blame the ‘80s…let’s make fun of other cultures that we don’t fully understand, hooray!
C: Pretty much. All that, plus it’s an attempt to make Willie funny.
LJ: And why is Indy suddenly hitting on Willie
C: Right?? She’s annoying as hell!!
LJ: Ew stahp kissing you’re exchanging chewed apple bits
C: INDY YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS DUMB HOE
LJ: IF ONLY THERE HAD BEEN A WOMAN IN THE WRITERS ROOM
LJ: Omg INDY GETTING CHOKED OUT BY A RANDO
C: IF MARION WERE THERE SHE WOULD HELP
LJ: “I could have been your greatest adventure?!”
LJ: That’s like a bad OkCupid profile
C: UGH SHES AWFUL
LJ: OMG DEATH BY FAN
LJ: Forgot about that one
C: Cousin to propeller death!!!
LJ: Smaller scale!
LJ: …still dead.
LJ: And now for the statue molesting.
LJ: Eeeee feel like step on fortune cookies
LJ: OMG COCKROACHES
C: OH GROSS NOOOOO
LJ: ITS LIKE BEING IN A BATHROOM ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE
C: AHHHH I CANT
LJ: I’m pretty tough about most things
LJ: But giant cockroaches are a HARD NO.
LJ: Oh no ceiling is dropping!!!
LJ: Oh no and SPIKES!!
C: Ahhhh someone besides useless Willie come haaaaalp!!!
C: How can this woman be THIS TERRIBLE???
LJ: I mean…I’d be terrified to stick my arm in the hole with various bugs too…
C: Yeah but if Indy is dying SUCK IT UP.
LJ: But you’re right she’s the worst
LJ: Reaching back to grab the hat!! #indianajonestrope
C: It’s true!! Must always save the hat!!
LJ: So question: why does that entrance to this place even exist?!
C: Good question…
C: Writers, you got some ‘splainin’ to do.
LJ: Is it just me or are some of these Indians just white guys in makeup?
C: It’s very possible.
LJ: OH GOD
LJ: OH GOD HEART GRAB
LJ: STILL BEATING HEART IN HAND
C: NOT NSYNC. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
LJ: ITS TEARING UP MY HEART WHEN IM WITH AHHHHHH
LJ: Omg and the lava pit
C: Oh God and then THAT?! That’s just insult to injury.
LJ: I’m pretty sure this scene scarred me as well
LJ: Although weirdly perhaps not as much as the face melting from Raiders
C: The face melting is just so much more gooey and in your face.
LJ: Truer words, younger sister, truer words
LJ: Whoops there’s those stones all the fuss is about!
C: Oh of COURSE Willie perks up at the mention of diamonds.
LJ: Why did he kiss her? He doesn’t even like her!
C: Indy is not the best at women.
LJ: No! He totally sucks at women!
LJ: And he’s going for the glowing stones!
LJ: Stop admiring it and ruuuuuun
C: He seemed much smarter in Raiders…
LJ: OMG are those supposed to be SKINS?!?!?!
C: AHHH SURPRISE ATTACK
LJ: This is why we carry pepper spray, WILLIE.
C: She doesn’t have enough brain cells to think of that.
LJ: Oh god and an entire underground city of child slaves.
C: Poor lil things!!!
LJ: Okay NOBODY drink the blood of Kali
C: Yeah that’s a good rule to have.
LJ: Ew ew ew skull cup gross
LJ: OMG Maharaja whyyyy the vooodoooo
C: Oh noooooo!!! Don’t hurt Indy!!!
LJ: Or Short Round!
LJ: YALL QUIT WHAT THE HELL
C: STOP THE WHIPPING. ONLY INDY IS ALLOWED TO WHIP.
LJ: Uh oh he drank the blood
LJ: Bad bad bad
C: Oh no brainwashed Indy!!!
C: …but also shirtless sooooo…
LJ: What. A. Glorious. Looking. Man.
LJ: Would you kill me if I named your imaginary future nephew Indiana?
C: HA. No. But I can’t speak for Mom and Dad.
LJ: That’s right Short Round! Pick those locks!
C: Shorty knows how to get things done!!!
LJ: And he’s so good in The Goonies too!!
C: He is! I was just watching that the other day!
LJ: Okay Willie, now is the time where you complain
C: Wait, why didn’t she get the heart removal treatment?
C: Oh Indy don’t smack poor Shorty!!!
C: OMG SHORTY JUST SAID HE LOVED HIM. TOO PRECIOUS.
LJ: AND NOW HES SHADOW BOXING JUST LIKE INDY
C: Question: how did Willie not burst into flame prior to reaching the lava like that dude before her?
LJ: She didn’t have her heart ripped out?
C: Haha I guess.
LJ: OMG TENDER HAT MOMENT
C: UGH WHY DIDN’T INDY HAVE KIDS THAT WERENT SHIA LABEOUF
LJ: Yes Shia LaDouche is the worst
LJ: I love that Indy loves Short Round
C: They are the most adorable besties.
C: Short Round is a million times better even as pseudo son.
LJ: I want him to be my son
LJ: And he definitely older than me
C: That’s a problem.
LJ: OH NO 2ND MOST HORRIFYING DEATH OF MY CHILDHOOD
LJ: (Propeller still wins)
LJ: And errebody’s kicking butt!
C: Yeah gut punch that maharaja Shorty!!!
LJ: AHH NOO EATEN BY THE ROLLER
C: Ewwww and the bloodstain…
LJ: Mom always says this…
LJ: …but the bad guys are terrible shots.
C: HA! It’s totally true.
C: Mine cart escape! I find myself thinking of Donkey Kong…
LJ: OMG mine carts!!
LJ: Isn’t this a ride at Universal or something?
C: I think it is! Or at least it was.
C: I like that Indy automatically asks Shorty to do stuff because Willie can do literally nothing. Not even man a brake.
LJ: And she’s got like 50 pounds on that kid!
LJ: You’re right, Willie is poor comic relief and eye candy, that’s it.
C: Exactly. Fail, Mr. Spielberg. Big fail.
LJ: I’m preferring to blame George Lucas
LJ: Although when you compare Willie to Leia it’s not contest
C: Oh no doubt. Leia wins with like one sassy line,
LJ: OMG THEY JUST JUMPED THE GAP
C: MIND THE GAP
LJ: OR DIE
C: Oh no! Broken brake!
LJ: OMG He just stopped the speeding cart with his FOOT
C: This is why Indy wins.
LJ: MY HEART
LJ: Oh wait that’s not what we were talking about, mah bad
C: SHORT ROUND NEVER JUMP ON THE ANCIENT BRIDGE
LJ: And now there’s CROCS to deal with!!
LJ: Um I love how they throw back to the last movie w/ Indy trying to shoot the swordsman
C: Did they?? Musta missed it.
LJ: He reaches for his gun and doesn’t have it
C: Ha! Nice try though, Indy.
LJ: Hang on lady, we gonna go ride!
C: Everything Short Round says is the cutest.
LJ: OMG BRIDGE BYE
LJ: CROCS HANGRY
LJ: HIGH DRAMA
C: Ok how many times must Willie say “Oh my God” in the span of five minutes? If this were a drinking game, I’d be hospitalized.
LJ: I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING
LJ: It’s like they ran out of things for her to say!
C: But yaaayyy Indy lives!!!
LJ: And so do all the chilluns!!!!
C: Hoorayyyy errbody okay!!!
LJ: HE BULLWHIPS HER AROUND THE WAIST
C: Yeah. First of all, no in general to bullwhipping a love interest. Second, if you’re gonna bullwhip someone in for a kiss, don’t make it Willie.
LJ: So: big fail on strong female role models in this movie.
LJ: Big win on awesome children!
C: Agreed on both counts. One step forward, one big step back. Lol.
LJ: 2/3 of the way through!
C: That is, if we’ve officially decided we want nothing to do with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
LJ: I only saw it that once in the theater with you guys.
C: I mean, it’s pretty terrible. Which could be hilarious, but we have to ask ourselves if we really want to go through that. Even for the sake of my readers.
LJ: My vote is no
LJ: If your vote is yes I’ll deal
LJ: And still love you and stuff.
C: Hahaha. I won’t do that to you. We’ll leave it out.
*SECRET CONVERSATION ABOUT FUTURE SHENANIGANS ENSUED*
Sorry for any of you who were expecting a rant about Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but…nah brah. We just can’t do it. We’ll save our rants for the good stuff. 😉 I leave you with this–Indiana Pug.