Schuster Sister Shenanigans: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

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Oh yeah. It’s time for Shenanigans. Last time, my sister and I began our texting adventure with everybody’s favorite archaeologist, Indiana Jones, in his premiere tale, Raiders of the Lost Ark. Naturally, the next step was Temple of Doom. Warning: we hate the leading lady in this, and we make that pretty clear.

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Harrison Ford + nerdy franchises = winning

Laura Jo: Cuing up…

Cara: ONE MINUTE

C: GO TIME

LJ: Foooooooo

LJ: DAMMIT

LJ: GOOOOO

C: LOL

C: Ominous gong!!

LJ: OMG I forgot this movie started with this rendition of Anything Goes

C: Oh is that what this craziness is??

LJ: so many sequins

C: Like is it just me or is this movie already trying too hard? Lol.

LJ: At least there are females onscreen!

LJ: …even if they are being kind of objectified!

C: In sequins—not hunting for rare artifacts!!

LJ: Indy inna white tux yessss

YEP.

YEP.

C: Uh oh! Gun under the table!

LJ: The deal was for the diamond!

LJ: No no no not the martini Indy!!

C: Ruh roh…

C: This lady is already annoying me a little. Bring back Marion!!! #bringbackmarion

LJ: bringbackmarion.com

C: YES

LJ: Oh no Indy’s fraaaaaaind

C: Poor fella… 😦

LJ: OMG THROW THE FLAMING MEAT SKEWER WHYDONCHA

C: WOAH. That is a heck of a way to go.

C: INDY JUST PUNCHED SOME LADY

C: WHY?

LJ: BECAUSE GEORGE LUCAS

C: GEORGE LUCAS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

LJ: And now for all the balloons ever.

C: Cymbal to the head might win this fight

C: ROLLING ROUND ITEM OF DEATH #indytropes

LJ: TRUTH

LJ: Why does he take sequined girl home with him?

LJ: OMG SHORT ROUND STEP ON IT

Short Round then and now

Short Round then and now

C: God this kid was precious. But you can kinda tell he knew he was precious.

LJ: Sidebar: I totally went on a date with an ex-marine whose call sign was ShortRound.

C: LOL

LJ: It didn’t last.

C: LOLOLOL.

C: Yes, I would imagine not.

LJ: OMG WHY DOES BILLIE SUCK

LJ: OR WILLIE

LJ: WHAT THE HELL IS HER STUPID BOY NAME

C: Is that her name?? She’s just as useless as what’s her name from JP3 (which you can see us discuss here)!!!

LJ: Oh man what WAS her name (It was Amanda, and she was terrible.)

C: IM GONNA CALL THIS WOMAN ILLY CAUSE SHE MAKES ME ILL

LJ: GIANT MAP

C: #indytrope

C: Illy can’t act her way out of a paper sack.

LJ: I wish she would act her way into one…

C: And never come out?

NOBODY CARES, YOU USELESS BROAD.

NOBODY CARES, YOU USELESS BROAD.

LJ: Okay so why would the grand plan be for the pilots to jump ship—leaving the plane to crash and all the cargo lost—only to kill Indiana Jones?

C: That’s what I was JUST WONDERING. That’s an expensive way to murder someone.

LJ: OMG STAR WARS SOUND

LJ: DID YOU HEAR THAT

LJ: THE FUEL GIVING OUT WAS JUST LIKE THE FALCON

C: Is it??? I’ll have to YouTube that…

C: Chicken feather errwhere

LJ: Liferafts will TOTALLY save you when jumping out of an airplane in the mountains somewhere

C: Oh totes. You won’t even have a scratch on you.

LJ: And they’ve got from the top of a snow-covered mountain to…the jungle?

C: #landscapeconfusion

LJ: #whereisyourpassport

C: Ha! Asked the creepy, silent man…

Errbody wants a piece of Indy.

Errbody wants a piece of Indy.

C: Okay is Short Round his dead friend’s son?

LJ: Excellent question. No idea.

C: Hmm.

LJ: OMG JUST EAT THE FOOD ILLY

C: ILLY SUCKS ON A LEVEL I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE

C: ALSO HER PERM IS OUTTA CONTROL—AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY

LJ: At least the treatment of native peoples is slightly better in this movie…

C: That’s true. Also, Indy is adorable with a little friend.

LJ: Also how does Indy speak this language?!

C: Because Indy

LJ: OMG they stole their children!!!!!! Evildoers wtf!!

C: RUDE

LJ: Some props person worked very hard on that magic piece of painted canvas

C: Good for you, prop person! We appreciate you.

LJ: FYI, Google tells us that Short Round looks EXACTLY THE SAME today

C: That would not surprise me.

C: Also, INDY ON ELEPHANT ERMERGERD.

Perfection

Perfection

LJ: I hate Willie so much.

C: Yeah she’s the worst.

C: WHERE THE HELL IS AWESOME MARION???

LJ: Marion realized Indy wasn’t going to change and she went and found herself a grown ass man who could be a present partner

C: WHY ARE YOU PUTTING PERFUME ON AN ELEPHANT WILLIE YOU DUMBASS???

C: #willieisanidiot

LJ: OMG WILLIE

LJ: STOP YOUR TANTRUM

C: SHES A DAMN CHILD

C: Yes, vampire bat. Kill her please.

LJ: Oh wait Shorty’s family was killed. He’s been on the street since he was 4

C: Yep! Now we know!

LJ: Komodo dragon

C: Really any one of the animals could kill her and it’d be great.

LJ: Hey lady, you call him Dr. Jones!

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C: HA! Tell her Shorty!

C: I love that the elephant is harassing her during this whole conversation.

LJ: If only she had ANY SUBSTANCE AT ALL

LJ: She’s wearing HEELS FTLOG.

LJ: (For the love of god)

LJ: (I think I just made that up)

LJ: (#genius)

C: Lol. I thought it was a typo.

LJ: Uh oh scawwy statues

C: #indytropes

C: Ew. But the fingers are new…

LJ: Gross

C: Seriously, every time Willie speaks I want someone to punch her.

LJ: HAHAHAHA “This is Mr. Round”

LJ: “Short. Round.”

C: Lol! Presh.

LJ: Indian saris are so pretty!

C: Right?

LJ: Ugh and Willie immediately starts gold digging

LJ: OH YEAH I forgot the Maharaja is a bitty bitty boy!

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C: Oh man! He’s barely older than Shorty!

LJ: Snake surprise!

LJ: And yet somehow Indy misses that one get set down on the table

C: God I don’t know how…the snake stuff is straight up disgusting…

LJ: Also I love Indian food and I have never eaten snakes or bugs

LJ: Or soup with gory eyeballs

C: Yeah this all seems pretty unreal…

LJ: I blame the ‘80s…let’s make fun of other cultures that we don’t fully understand, hooray!

C: Pretty much. All that, plus it’s an attempt to make Willie funny.

LJ: And why is Indy suddenly hitting on Willie

C: Right?? She’s annoying as hell!!

LJ: Ew stahp kissing you’re exchanging chewed apple bits

C: Lol!!!

C: INDY YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS DUMB HOE

LJ: IF ONLY THERE HAD BEEN A WOMAN IN THE WRITERS ROOM

C: Truth.

LJ: Omg INDY GETTING CHOKED OUT BY A RANDO

C: IF MARION WERE THERE SHE WOULD HELP

LJ: “I could have been your greatest adventure?!”

LJ: That’s like a bad OkCupid profile

Ladies, this could be YOUR greatest adventure...

Ladies, this could be YOUR greatest adventure…

C: UGH SHES AWFUL

LJ: OMG DEATH BY FAN

LJ: Forgot about that one

C: Cousin to propeller death!!!

LJ: Smaller scale!

LJ: …still dead.

C: Hahahaha

LJ: And now for the statue molesting.

C: Yikes.

LJ: Eeeee feel like step on fortune cookies

LJ: OMG COCKROACHES

LJ: UUUUUNNNNGH

C: OH GROSS NOOOOO

LJ: ITS LIKE BEING IN A BATHROOM ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE

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C: AHHHH I CANT

LJ: I’m pretty tough about most things

LJ: But giant cockroaches are a HARD NO.

C: Agreed.

LJ: Oh no ceiling is dropping!!!

LJ: Oh no and SPIKES!!

C: Ahhhh someone besides useless Willie come haaaaalp!!!

C: How can this woman be THIS TERRIBLE???

LJ: I mean…I’d be terrified to stick my arm in the hole with various bugs too…

C: Yeah but if Indy is dying SUCK IT UP.

LJ: But you’re right she’s the worst

LJ: Reaching back to grab the hat!! #indianajonestrope

C: It’s true!! Must always save the hat!!

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LJ: So question: why does that entrance to this place even exist?!

C: Good question…

C: Writers, you got some ‘splainin’ to do.

LJ: Is it just me or are some of these Indians just white guys in makeup?

C: It’s very possible.

LJ: OH GOD

LJ: OH GOD HEART GRAB

LJ: STILL BEATING HEART IN HAND

C: NOT NSYNC. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

LJ: ITS TEARING UP MY HEART WHEN IM WITH AHHHHHH

C: LOLOLOL

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LJ: Omg and the lava pit

C: Oh God and then THAT?! That’s just insult to injury.

LJ: I’m pretty sure this scene scarred me as well

LJ: Although weirdly perhaps not as much as the face melting from Raiders

C: The face melting is just so much more gooey and in your face.

LJ: Truer words, younger sister, truer words

LJ: Whoops there’s those stones all the fuss is about!

C: Oh of COURSE Willie perks up at the mention of diamonds.

LJ: Why did he kiss her? He doesn’t even like her!

C: Indy is not the best at women.

LJ: No! He totally sucks at women!

LJ: And he’s going for the glowing stones!

LJ: Stop admiring it and ruuuuuun

C: He seemed much smarter in Raiders…

LJ: OMG are those supposed to be SKINS?!?!?!

C: EWWW.

C: AHHH SURPRISE ATTACK

LJ: This is why we carry pepper spray, WILLIE.

C: She doesn’t have enough brain cells to think of that.

LJ: Oh god and an entire underground city of child slaves.

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C: Poor lil things!!!

LJ: Okay NOBODY drink the blood of Kali

C: Yeah that’s a good rule to have.

LJ: Ew ew ew skull cup gross

LJ: OMG Maharaja whyyyy the vooodoooo

C: Oh noooooo!!! Don’t hurt Indy!!!

LJ: Or Short Round!

LJ: YALL QUIT WHAT THE HELL

C: STOP THE WHIPPING. ONLY INDY IS ALLOWED TO WHIP.

LJ: Uh oh he drank the blood

LJ: Bad bad bad

C: Oh no brainwashed Indy!!!

C: …but also shirtless sooooo…

LJ: Haaaaaahahahah

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LJ: What. A. Glorious. Looking. Man.

LJ: Would you kill me if I named your imaginary future nephew Indiana?

C: HA. No. But I can’t speak for Mom and Dad.

LJ: That’s right Short Round! Pick those locks!

C: Shorty knows how to get things done!!!

LJ: And he’s so good in The Goonies too!!

C: He is! I was just watching that the other day!

LJ: Okay Willie, now is the time where you complain

C: Wait, why didn’t she get the heart removal treatment?

C: Oh Indy don’t smack poor Shorty!!!

C: OMG SHORTY JUST SAID HE LOVED HIM. TOO PRECIOUS.

LJ: AMAZING

LJ: AND NOW HES SHADOW BOXING JUST LIKE INDY

C: Question: how did Willie not burst into flame prior to reaching the lava like that dude before her?

LJ: She didn’t have her heart ripped out?

C: Haha I guess.

LJ: OMG TENDER HAT MOMENT

LJ: HUG

C: UGH WHY DIDN’T INDY HAVE KIDS THAT WERENT SHIA LABEOUF

BEST. BUDS.

BEST. BUDS.

LJ: Yes Shia LaDouche is the worst

LJ: I love that Indy loves Short Round

C: They are the most adorable besties.

C: Short Round is a million times better even as pseudo son.

LJ: I want him to be my son

LJ: And he definitely older than me

C: That’s a problem.

LJ: OH NO 2ND MOST HORRIFYING DEATH OF MY CHILDHOOD

LJ: (Propeller still wins)

LJ: And errebody’s kicking butt!

C: Yeah gut punch that maharaja Shorty!!!

LJ: AHH NOO EATEN BY THE ROLLER

C: Ewwww and the bloodstain…

LJ: Mom always says this…

LJ: …but the bad guys are terrible shots.

C: HA! It’s totally true.

C: Mine cart escape! I find myself thinking of Donkey Kong…

LJ: OMG mine carts!!

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LJ: Isn’t this a ride at Universal or something?

C: I think it is! Or at least it was.

C: I like that Indy automatically asks Shorty to do stuff because Willie can do literally nothing. Not even man a brake.

LJ: And she’s got like 50 pounds on that kid!

LJ: You’re right, Willie is poor comic relief and eye candy, that’s it.

C: Exactly. Fail, Mr. Spielberg. Big fail.

LJ: I’m preferring to blame George Lucas

LJ: Although when you compare Willie to Leia it’s not contest

C: Oh no doubt. Leia wins with like one sassy line,

LJ: OMG THEY JUST JUMPED THE GAP

C: MIND THE GAP

LJ: OR DIE

C: LOL

C: Oh no! Broken brake!

LJ: OMG He just stopped the speeding cart with his FOOT

C: This is why Indy wins.

LJ: MY HEART

LJ: Oh wait that’s not what we were talking about, mah bad

C: SHORT ROUND NEVER JUMP ON THE ANCIENT BRIDGE

LJ: And now there’s CROCS to deal with!!

OM NOM NOM

OM NOM NOM

LJ: Um I love how they throw back to the last movie w/ Indy trying to shoot the swordsman

C: Did they?? Musta missed it.

LJ: He reaches for his gun and doesn’t have it

LJ: #clevahgirl

C: Ha! Nice try though, Indy.

LJ: Hang on lady, we gonna go ride!

C: Everything Short Round says is the cutest.

LJ: OMG BRIDGE BYE

LJ: CROCS HANGRY

LJ: HIGH DRAMA

C: EEEEKKK

C: Ok how many times must Willie say “Oh my God” in the span of five minutes? If this were a drinking game, I’d be hospitalized.

LJ: I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING

LJ: It’s like they ran out of things for her to say!

C: But yaaayyy Indy lives!!!

LJ: And so do all the chilluns!!!!

C: Hoorayyyy errbody okay!!!

LJ: WHAT

LJ: HE BULLWHIPS HER AROUND THE WAIST

C: Yeah. First of all, no in general to bullwhipping a love interest. Second, if you’re gonna bullwhip someone in for a kiss, don’t make it Willie.

Whipped and pulled in for a kiss. How...erm...romantic...

Whipped and pulled in for a kiss. How…erm…romantic…

LJ: So: big fail on strong female role models in this movie.

LJ: Big win on awesome children!

C: Agreed on both counts. One step forward, one big step back. Lol.

LJ: 2/3 of the way through!

C: That is, if we’ve officially decided we want nothing to do with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

LJ: I only saw it that once in the theater with you guys.

C: I mean, it’s pretty terrible. Which could be hilarious, but we have to ask ourselves if we really want to go through that. Even for the sake of my readers.

LJ: My vote is no

LJ: If your vote is yes I’ll deal

LJ: And still love you and stuff.

C: Hahaha. I won’t do that to you. We’ll leave it out.

*SECRET CONVERSATION ABOUT FUTURE SHENANIGANS ENSUED*

Sorry for any of you who were expecting a rant about Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but…nah brah. We just can’t do it. We’ll save our rants for the good stuff. 😉 I leave you with this–Indiana Pug.

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27 thoughts on “Schuster Sister Shenanigans: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

  1. Lol this was pretty funny to read. I will agree that Willie is a bad character but I don’t blame that on actress Kate Capshaw who was great at being anoying. I have no problems of her being eye candy because they do give you girls Indy without a shirt. We never got to see her without much clothes on. Not fair. 3 movies and we get more shirtless Indiana Jones then the girls.

    • Hey, Vern! No idea why, but your comment went to my spam box!! WordPress is weird…lol. I don’t blame Capshaw for being great at being annoying–I just blame her for not being a great actress altogether. Haha. And personally, I think if they’re going to have an all around terrible female character, the least they can do to make it up to female viewers is offer us shirtless Indy. Fair trade. 😉

  2. u guys are aware that Spielberg ended up marrying Kate Capshaw after they met on the set of this movie…right?

    Love short round, too bad he didnt come back in any other indy movies and that Jonathan K. didnt do anything great besides this and Goonies

    Looking forward to Last Crusade Shenanigans 🙂

    Well done Ladies!!!

    • Thanks, Rob! Was not aware that Spielberg married her, but that makes a lot of sense. Of COURSE the director casts the girl he has a crush on even though she’s terrible. Lol. Yeah why didn’t Short Round come back?! He was the best!!

  3. Thanks for th entertainment, ladies!
    Temple of Gloom must b 1 of th least satisfying movies – course I loved it when it came out THIRTY YEARS AGO!
    Scusi, bt didn’t either of u notice that th craziness, sequins & white tux took place @ th ‘Club Obi Wan’?
    Om nom sha by an’ all that

    • I’m with you, Malcolm–definitely not the best of the Indy movies. Still better than Kingdom of the Crystal Skull! Lol. It’s at Club Obi Wan?! Totally missed that! And om nom sha by to you, too. Hahaha.

  4. I love this!

    Willie was the biggest killer in this movie, other than that it was GREAT.

    Thank goodness that McDonalds head fry cook whatever is not the future I have in store :/ Not cool!

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