Schuster Sister Shenanigans: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Oh yeah. It’s time for Shenanigans. Last time, my sister and I began our texting adventure with everybody’s favorite archaeologist, Indiana Jones, in his premiere tale, Raiders of the Lost Ark. Naturally, the next step was Temple of Doom. Warning: we hate the leading lady in this, and we make that pretty clear.

Harrison Ford + nerdy franchises = winning

Laura Jo: Cuing up…

Cara: ONE MINUTE

C: GO TIME

LJ: Foooooooo

LJ: DAMMIT

LJ: GOOOOO

C: LOL

C: Ominous gong!!

LJ: OMG I forgot this movie started with this rendition of Anything Goes

C: Oh is that what this craziness is??

LJ: so many sequins

C: Like is it just me or is this movie already trying too hard? Lol.

LJ: At least there are females onscreen!

LJ: …even if they are being kind of objectified!

C: In sequins—not hunting for rare artifacts!!

LJ: Indy inna white tux yessss

YEP.

C: Uh oh! Gun under the table!

LJ: The deal was for the diamond!

LJ: No no no not the martini Indy!!

C: Ruh roh…

C: This lady is already annoying me a little. Bring back Marion!!! #bringbackmarion

LJ: bringbackmarion.com

C: YES

LJ: Oh no Indy’s fraaaaaaind

C: Poor fella… 😦

LJ: OMG THROW THE FLAMING MEAT SKEWER WHYDONCHA

C: WOAH. That is a heck of a way to go.

C: INDY JUST PUNCHED SOME LADY

C: WHY?

LJ: BECAUSE GEORGE LUCAS

C: GEORGE LUCAS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

LJ: And now for all the balloons ever.

C: Cymbal to the head might win this fight

C: ROLLING ROUND ITEM OF DEATH #indytropes

LJ: TRUTH

LJ: Why does he take sequined girl home with him?

LJ: OMG SHORT ROUND STEP ON IT

Short Round then and now

C: God this kid was precious. But you can kinda tell he knew he was precious.

LJ: Sidebar: I totally went on a date with an ex-marine whose call sign was ShortRound.

C: LOL

LJ: It didn’t last.

C: LOLOLOL.

C: Yes, I would imagine not.

LJ: OMG WHY DOES BILLIE SUCK

LJ: OR WILLIE

LJ: WHAT THE HELL IS HER STUPID BOY NAME

C: Is that her name?? She’s just as useless as what’s her name from JP3 (which you can see us discuss here)!!!

LJ: Oh man what WAS her name (It was Amanda, and she was terrible.)

C: IM GONNA CALL THIS WOMAN ILLY CAUSE SHE MAKES ME ILL

LJ: GIANT MAP

C: #indytrope

C: Illy can’t act her way out of a paper sack.

LJ: I wish she would act her way into one…

C: And never come out?

NOBODY CARES, YOU USELESS BROAD.

LJ: Okay so why would the grand plan be for the pilots to jump ship—leaving the plane to crash and all the cargo lost—only to kill Indiana Jones?

C: That’s what I was JUST WONDERING. That’s an expensive way to murder someone.

LJ: OMG STAR WARS SOUND

LJ: DID YOU HEAR THAT

LJ: THE FUEL GIVING OUT WAS JUST LIKE THE FALCON

C: Is it??? I’ll have to YouTube that…

C: Chicken feather errwhere

LJ: Liferafts will TOTALLY save you when jumping out of an airplane in the mountains somewhere

C: Oh totes. You won’t even have a scratch on you.

LJ: And they’ve got from the top of a snow-covered mountain to…the jungle?

C: #landscapeconfusion

LJ: #whereisyourpassport

C: Ha! Asked the creepy, silent man…

Errbody wants a piece of Indy.

C: Okay is Short Round his dead friend’s son?

LJ: Excellent question. No idea.

C: Hmm.

LJ: OMG JUST EAT THE FOOD ILLY

C: ILLY SUCKS ON A LEVEL I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE

C: ALSO HER PERM IS OUTTA CONTROL—AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY

LJ: At least the treatment of native peoples is slightly better in this movie…

C: That’s true. Also, Indy is adorable with a little friend.

LJ: Also how does Indy speak this language?!

C: Because Indy

LJ: OMG they stole their children!!!!!! Evildoers wtf!!

C: RUDE

LJ: Some props person worked very hard on that magic piece of painted canvas

C: Good for you, prop person! We appreciate you.

LJ: FYI, Google tells us that Short Round looks EXACTLY THE SAME today

C: That would not surprise me.

C: Also, INDY ON ELEPHANT ERMERGERD.

Perfection

LJ: I hate Willie so much.

C: Yeah she’s the worst.

C: WHERE THE HELL IS AWESOME MARION???

LJ: Marion realized Indy wasn’t going to change and she went and found herself a grown ass man who could be a present partner

C: WHY ARE YOU PUTTING PERFUME ON AN ELEPHANT WILLIE YOU DUMBASS???

C: #willieisanidiot

LJ: OMG WILLIE

LJ: STOP YOUR TANTRUM

C: SHES A DAMN CHILD

C: Yes, vampire bat. Kill her please.

LJ: Oh wait Shorty’s family was killed. He’s been on the street since he was 4

C: Yep! Now we know!

LJ: Komodo dragon

C: Really any one of the animals could kill her and it’d be great.

LJ: Hey lady, you call him Dr. Jones!

C: HA! Tell her Shorty!

C: I love that the elephant is harassing her during this whole conversation.

LJ: If only she had ANY SUBSTANCE AT ALL

LJ: She’s wearing HEELS FTLOG.

LJ: (For the love of god)

LJ: (I think I just made that up)

LJ: (#genius)

C: Lol. I thought it was a typo.

LJ: Uh oh scawwy statues

C: #indytropes

C: Ew. But the fingers are new…

LJ: Gross

C: Seriously, every time Willie speaks I want someone to punch her.

LJ: HAHAHAHA “This is Mr. Round”

LJ: “Short. Round.”

C: Lol! Presh.

LJ: Indian saris are so pretty!

C: Right?

LJ: Ugh and Willie immediately starts gold digging

LJ: OH YEAH I forgot the Maharaja is a bitty bitty boy!

C: Oh man! He’s barely older than Shorty!

LJ: Snake surprise!

LJ: And yet somehow Indy misses that one get set down on the table

C: God I don’t know how…the snake stuff is straight up disgusting…

LJ: Also I love Indian food and I have never eaten snakes or bugs

LJ: Or soup with gory eyeballs

C: Yeah this all seems pretty unreal…

LJ: I blame the ‘80s…let’s make fun of other cultures that we don’t fully understand, hooray!

C: Pretty much. All that, plus it’s an attempt to make Willie funny.

LJ: And why is Indy suddenly hitting on Willie

C: Right?? She’s annoying as hell!!

LJ: Ew stahp kissing you’re exchanging chewed apple bits

C: Lol!!!

C: INDY YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS DUMB HOE

LJ: IF ONLY THERE HAD BEEN A WOMAN IN THE WRITERS ROOM

C: Truth.

LJ: Omg INDY GETTING CHOKED OUT BY A RANDO

C: IF MARION WERE THERE SHE WOULD HELP

LJ: “I could have been your greatest adventure?!”

LJ: That’s like a bad OkCupid profile

Ladies, this could be YOUR greatest adventure…

C: UGH SHES AWFUL

LJ: OMG DEATH BY FAN

LJ: Forgot about that one

C: Cousin to propeller death!!!

LJ: Smaller scale!

LJ: …still dead.

C: Hahahaha

LJ: And now for the statue molesting.

C: Yikes.

LJ: Eeeee feel like step on fortune cookies

LJ: OMG COCKROACHES

LJ: UUUUUNNNNGH

C: OH GROSS NOOOOO

LJ: ITS LIKE BEING IN A BATHROOM ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE

C: AHHHH I CANT

LJ: I’m pretty tough about most things

LJ: But giant cockroaches are a HARD NO.

C: Agreed.

LJ: Oh no ceiling is dropping!!!

LJ: Oh no and SPIKES!!

C: Ahhhh someone besides useless Willie come haaaaalp!!!

C: How can this woman be THIS TERRIBLE???

LJ: I mean…I’d be terrified to stick my arm in the hole with various bugs too…

C: Yeah but if Indy is dying SUCK IT UP.

LJ: But you’re right she’s the worst

LJ: Reaching back to grab the hat!! #indianajonestrope

C: It’s true!! Must always save the hat!!

LJ: So question: why does that entrance to this place even exist?!

C: Good question…

C: Writers, you got some ‘splainin’ to do.

LJ: Is it just me or are some of these Indians just white guys in makeup?

C: It’s very possible.

LJ: OH GOD

LJ: OH GOD HEART GRAB

LJ: STILL BEATING HEART IN HAND

C: NOT NSYNC. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

LJ: ITS TEARING UP MY HEART WHEN IM WITH AHHHHHH

C: LOLOLOL

LJ: Omg and the lava pit

C: Oh God and then THAT?! That’s just insult to injury.

LJ: I’m pretty sure this scene scarred me as well

LJ: Although weirdly perhaps not as much as the face melting from Raiders

C: The face melting is just so much more gooey and in your face.

LJ: Truer words, younger sister, truer words

LJ: Whoops there’s those stones all the fuss is about!

C: Oh of COURSE Willie perks up at the mention of diamonds.

LJ: Why did he kiss her? He doesn’t even like her!

C: Indy is not the best at women.

LJ: No! He totally sucks at women!

LJ: And he’s going for the glowing stones!

LJ: Stop admiring it and ruuuuuun

C: He seemed much smarter in Raiders…

LJ: OMG are those supposed to be SKINS?!?!?!

C: EWWW.

C: AHHH SURPRISE ATTACK

LJ: This is why we carry pepper spray, WILLIE.

C: She doesn’t have enough brain cells to think of that.

LJ: Oh god and an entire underground city of child slaves.

C: Poor lil things!!!

LJ: Okay NOBODY drink the blood of Kali

C: Yeah that’s a good rule to have.

LJ: Ew ew ew skull cup gross

LJ: OMG Maharaja whyyyy the vooodoooo

C: Oh noooooo!!! Don’t hurt Indy!!!

LJ: Or Short Round!

LJ: YALL QUIT WHAT THE HELL

C: STOP THE WHIPPING. ONLY INDY IS ALLOWED TO WHIP.

LJ: Uh oh he drank the blood

LJ: Bad bad bad

C: Oh no brainwashed Indy!!!

C: …but also shirtless sooooo…

LJ: Haaaaaahahahah

LJ: What. A. Glorious. Looking. Man.

LJ: Would you kill me if I named your imaginary future nephew Indiana?

C: HA. No. But I can’t speak for Mom and Dad.

LJ: That’s right Short Round! Pick those locks!

C: Shorty knows how to get things done!!!

LJ: And he’s so good in The Goonies too!!

C: He is! I was just watching that the other day!

LJ: Okay Willie, now is the time where you complain

C: Wait, why didn’t she get the heart removal treatment?

C: Oh Indy don’t smack poor Shorty!!!

C: OMG SHORTY JUST SAID HE LOVED HIM. TOO PRECIOUS.

LJ: AMAZING

LJ: AND NOW HES SHADOW BOXING JUST LIKE INDY

C: Question: how did Willie not burst into flame prior to reaching the lava like that dude before her?

LJ: She didn’t have her heart ripped out?

C: Haha I guess.

LJ: OMG TENDER HAT MOMENT

LJ: HUG

C: UGH WHY DIDN’T INDY HAVE KIDS THAT WERENT SHIA LABEOUF

BEST. BUDS.

LJ: Yes Shia LaDouche is the worst

LJ: I love that Indy loves Short Round

C: They are the most adorable besties.

C: Short Round is a million times better even as pseudo son.

LJ: I want him to be my son

LJ: And he definitely older than me

C: That’s a problem.

LJ: OH NO 2^ND MOST HORRIFYING DEATH OF MY CHILDHOOD

LJ: (Propeller still wins)

LJ: And errebody’s kicking butt!

C: Yeah gut punch that maharaja Shorty!!!

LJ: AHH NOO EATEN BY THE ROLLER

C: Ewwww and the bloodstain…

LJ: Mom always says this…

LJ: …but the bad guys are terrible shots.

C: HA! It’s totally true.

C: Mine cart escape! I find myself thinking of Donkey Kong…

LJ: OMG mine carts!!

LJ: Isn’t this a ride at Universal or something?

C: I think it is! Or at least it was.

C: I like that Indy automatically asks Shorty to do stuff because Willie can do literally nothing. Not even man a brake.

LJ: And she’s got like 50 pounds on that kid!

LJ: You’re right, Willie is poor comic relief and eye candy, that’s it.

C: Exactly. Fail, Mr. Spielberg. Big fail.

LJ: I’m preferring to blame George Lucas

LJ: Although when you compare Willie to Leia it’s not contest

C: Oh no doubt. Leia wins with like one sassy line,

LJ: OMG THEY JUST JUMPED THE GAP

C: MIND THE GAP

LJ: OR DIE

C: LOL

C: Oh no! Broken brake!

LJ: OMG He just stopped the speeding cart with his FOOT

C: This is why Indy wins.

LJ: MY HEART

LJ: Oh wait that’s not what we were talking about, mah bad

C: SHORT ROUND NEVER JUMP ON THE ANCIENT BRIDGE

LJ: And now there’s CROCS to deal with!!

OM NOM NOM

LJ: Um I love how they throw back to the last movie w/ Indy trying to shoot the swordsman

C: Did they?? Musta missed it.

LJ: He reaches for his gun and doesn’t have it

LJ: #clevahgirl

C: Ha! Nice try though, Indy.

LJ: Hang on lady, we gonna go ride!

C: Everything Short Round says is the cutest.

LJ: OMG BRIDGE BYE

LJ: CROCS HANGRY

LJ: HIGH DRAMA

C: EEEEKKK

C: Ok how many times must Willie say “Oh my God” in the span of five minutes? If this were a drinking game, I’d be hospitalized.

LJ: I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING

LJ: It’s like they ran out of things for her to say!

C: But yaaayyy Indy lives!!!

LJ: And so do all the chilluns!!!!

C: Hoorayyyy errbody okay!!!

LJ: WHAT

LJ: HE BULLWHIPS HER AROUND THE WAIST

C: Yeah. First of all, no in general to bullwhipping a love interest. Second, if you’re gonna bullwhip someone in for a kiss, don’t make it Willie.

Whipped and pulled in for a kiss. How…erm…romantic…

LJ: So: big fail on strong female role models in this movie.

LJ: Big win on awesome children!

C: Agreed on both counts. One step forward, one big step back. Lol.

LJ: 2/3 of the way through!

C: That is, if we’ve officially decided we want nothing to do with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

LJ: I only saw it that once in the theater with you guys.

C: I mean, it’s pretty terrible. Which could be hilarious, but we have to ask ourselves if we really want to go through that. Even for the sake of my readers.

LJ: My vote is no

LJ: If your vote is yes I’ll deal

LJ: And still love you and stuff.

C: Hahaha. I won’t do that to you. We’ll leave it out.

*SECRET CONVERSATION ABOUT FUTURE SHENANIGANS ENSUED*

Sorry for any of you who were expecting a rant about Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but…nah brah. We just can’t do it. We’ll save our rants for the good stuff. 😉 I leave you with this–Indiana Pug.

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