Schuster Sister Shenanigans: The Lost World: Jurassic Park

JurassicPark2(2).jpg

Gees, it has been far, far too long since I posted one of these—a little more than two months! Whoops. Well, we’re back now!! After texting about the epic, incomparable Jurassic Park, my sister and I found time to text about its sequel, The Lost World: Jurassic Park. And it went a little something like this:

I just...I had to.

I just…I had to.

Cara: GOOOOOOO

Laura Jo: DIHNASAWYERS

C: Oh Isla Sorna…

C: La Isla Boni—RAWWWRRRR!!!

LJ: Noooo little girl why you gotta wander off

LJ: This is why we don’t call mommy annoying

C: It’s always children in peril!! Why, Spielberg, why??

Tiny dinos--more fun to play with in theory than in practice.

Tiny dinos–more fun to play with in theory than in practice.

C: Aaaaand cut to Jeff Goldblum yawning. Brilliant.

LJ: YES JEFF GOLDBLUM

LJ: Hey he’s on the NYC subway!

C: GROWN UP GRANDKIDS WOAH

LJ: Damn Lex what did the fox say (u kno what I mean grrl)

C: LOL

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C: Ohhhh I totally forgot about this snotty guy!

LJ: Lawyers. Always lawyers.

C: It’s true. Too bad we can’t repeat toilet death for them all.

LJ: Gasp site B?!? YOU GUYS WHAT

C: JOHN HAMMOND WHY???

C: HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING???

LJ: He’s just a cockeyed optimist!

C: Or a dumb-eyed dumbass.

LJ: HAHAHAHAHA

LJ: Jeff Goldblum in that leather jacket is perfection

C: It’s true. I miss his flowing locks a little though.

LJ: Oh I dig the shorter cut

LJ: He streamlined

The new haircut works...but I still miss this.

The new haircut works…but I still miss this.

C: LOST WORLD. HE SAID THE MOVIE TITLE. EVERYONE DRINK.

LJ: Hahahaha

LJ: Oh no Sarah!! She’s already there!! Malcolm boi u just got one upped!

LJ: Also how does he not know where his girlfriend is?

C: RUDE, HAMMOND. QUITE RUDE.

LJ: Hahahaha Eddie you so east coast

LJ: OMG VINCE VAUGHN BEFORE HE WAS VINCE VAUGHN

C: He’s a BABY.

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LJ: Ian being a father is so adorable.

C: Yes. Yes he is.

LJ: Kelly’s acting really hard.

LJ: As in performing.

C: She is, bless her.

C: Ooooh I forgot about that platform that rises. “Within biting height.” IAN KNOWS ALL.

LJ: …which, why is that, since he’s a freaking philosopher

LJ: Oh Vince Vaughn, you don’t really speak Spanish.

C: THE FIVE DEATHS! *heavy foreshadowing*

LJ: Triceratops friends!

C: …Stegosaurus? Or are you ahead of me?

LJ: Oh. Yeah. That’s what those are.

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LJ: But then later there’s running!

LJ: Julianne Moore, there you are!

C: Again, looks SO YOUNG.

LJ: Everyone was young in the 90s.

C: “Is that a Nikon?” PRODUCT PLACEMENT.

LJ: Good for them. They only had a few more years until the iPhone.

C: Baby steggy lookin preshhhh

"Look, I know you're a baby dinosaur and all, but I'm really going to need you to ACT during this next take."

“Look, I know you’re a baby dinosaur and all, but I’m really going to need you to PERFORM during this next take.”

LJ: Sarah why you gotta touch it!

C: NOT a clevah gel

C: Dammit Nikon!!!

LJ: #realfilmproblems

C: Stegosaurus attack: where Cara would have died.

LJ: Oh NO Kelly!!!

LJ: Also was Vince Vaughn just a racist?

C: Yep. I believe he was. For shame, Mr. Vaughn.

LJ: Geez Kelly! Such a mess in the trailer!

C: Sarah…probs not the time for a relationship discussion.

LJ: Aaaaand ALL THE HELICOPTERS

C: Gees I have forgotten so much! They bring a freaking army!

LJ: OMG hellooooo Roland!

Meet Roland, a raging badass

Meet Roland, a raging badass

C: EPIC speech.

LJ: I love that actor. He’s so good.

C: What else is he in?? He’s so familiar…

LJ: Inception, Amistad, Romeo + Juliet

LJ: Alien 3

C: Oh he IS in Inception, isn’t he?

LJ: Yep yep!

C: Run, cowboy hippie, run!!!

LJ: Yeah bro STAHP with that hair!

LJ: Hahahah ELVIS

C: The pompadourasaurus!!

Elvisaurus Rex

Elvisaurus Rex

LJ: Those jeeps are intense

LJ: Poor Elvis Dinosaur

C: He’s all shook up

LJ: HA

C: GOD I can’t wait for cowboy hippie to bite it.

LJ: …and then there’s the psychopath with the taser.

C: Is that…the guy from Fargo?

LJ: Yes. That’s the guy from Fargo.

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LJ: OMG BABY REX

C: Oh baby Rex. Little did we know what a big plot point you would become.

C: With each baby Rex scream I hear: “BAAAAD IDEAAAAA!!!”

LJ: Hahahahaha

LJ: Aaaaaand then Hammond’s team started LETTING ALL THE DINOSAURS OUT

C: Yeah I’m sorry, how is that a good plan?

LJ: Oh hai trike frand

LJ: Whoops, are they ever mad!

C: CARS IN TREES, ROUND 2

LJ: Vince Vaughn that was perhaps NOT THE BEST DECISION

C: “Man, Ian’s not gonna like this.” NO SHIT, HOMEGIRL.

LJ: Aaaand raining. Cue impending disaster.

LJ: Also Ian, stop trying to speak to the Spanish-speaking lady in English.

C: Ha! You’re right about the rain! That’s a thing with these films, isn’t it?

LJ: Yeah Kelly’s right. Other animals are gonna hear this. 100% yes, Kelly

C: Kelly ideas ftw

LJ: TREX ROAR AHHHH

C: Eeeeeek!

LJ: Also how are Sarah and Nick suddenly medically trained?!

#worstideaever

#worstideaever

LJ: And in what world is it acceptable to zip line down from the high hide?!

C: Ian Malcolm. THAT is when it’s acceptable.

LJ: And I have a feeling gum is not going to hold a bandage onto a TRex. But you guys do you.

C: Hahahaha

LJ: Mommy’s very angry!

LJ: BEHIND YOU AHHH

C: PEEKABOO!!!!

LJ: How do we top the TRex from the first movie? WITH TWO TREXES OF COURSE

C: Angry parent T-Rexes, no less.

LJ: Just the worst possible situation.

C: Pretty much.

LJ: HANG ON THIS IS GONNA BE BAD

C: Again, IAN MALCOLM KNOW ALL!!!

LJ: And suddenly there’s another trashed vehicle getting thrown around in mud

C: #jurassicparktropes

LJ: Why the plexiglass?

C: Oh gees the plexiglass is the WORST

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LJ: And again, a nylon strap of something slipping off something else

LJ: Last time it was Dr Sadler who couldn’t catch the gun strap with her foot

C: Yep! I thought it was the gun you were talking about. We must pay attention for these things in Jurassic Park III.

LJ: You guys, Kelly is by herself right now. Get it together.

C: CABLE TIED TO TREE. #jurassicparktrope

C: Also, slipping in mud in a crisis.

LJ: Yes. And jeeps. Always jeeps

C: It’s the little jeep that could!

LJ: Eddie! What a hero!

LJ: OMG Sarah with the lack of rope climbing skills!

C: SARAH GURL COME ON

LJ: On a separate note, I am inspired to go to the gym

C: Seriously. I would be slipping down that rope like nobody’s business.

LJ: OH NO TREXES LEAVE SWEET EDDIE ALONE

LJ: ITS LIKE LADY AND THE TRAMP BUT HORRIFYING

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C: OH GOD YOU’RE RIGHT

C: RIP Eddie. You were a good freaking dude.

LJ: Poor Eddie. It’s really not fair.

C: They barely even mourn poor Eddie!

LJ: OMG let Vince Vaughn and Fargo dude fight!!

C: Yeah I’d like to see the outcome of that…

LJ: Oh thanks for the convenient information about the communication center corporate English dude

LJ: Woah Roland. So hardcore. #rememberEddie

C: He’s stonecold. I keep thinking of the hunter in Jumanji.

LJ: Yes. Omg. We should watch Jumanji.

C: AHHHH WE SHOULD.

LJ: Also Sarah, you’ve studied predators all your life. WHY OH WHY would you keep wearing the TRex-baby-blood soaked shirt that’s not drying in the humidity?!?!

C: Ooooh good call.

C: Oh man. This is a fave Jurassic Park demise.

LJ: And how does no one hear Fargo yelling? They’re all like right there!

C: Yeah that’s weird…

LJ: I can’t get an image of this guy with a woodchipper out of my mind

C: HA! Tables have turned…

LJ: Death by tiny dinosaurs. Rough.

Sucks to be you, bro.

Sucks to be you, bro.

C: Tastefully hidden death. #jurassicparktrope

LJ: How is Vince Vaughn suddenly in charge of all the soldiers?

C: I was just wondering that. Because…Vince Vaughn?

LJ: Before he was That Guy.

LJ: SOUND VIBRATIONS IN WATER

LJ: #jurassicparktrope

C: Oh that’s an important one. Do they do that in 3?

LJ: No idea but WE’LL FIND OUT

C: Already cannot wait.

LJ: Random soldier dude WHY YOU GOTTA YELL LIKE THAT

C: CARTER YOU USELESS DUMBASS

LJ: OMG DEATH BY TREX FOOT SMOOSH

LJ: Meanwhile, Roland is prepared as f*ck

C: Like, of course!! He wins at Jurassic Park.

LJ: TRex lick. Did not need that.

LJ: And goodbye hippie.

You are missed by literally zero people, dude.

You are missed by literally zero people, dude.

C: SNAKES. WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SNAKES.

C: YES. Velociraptor time.

LJ: You guys does no one remember there be RAPTORS IN THERE

C: One character on a mission with a flashlight. #jurassicparktrope

LJ: And here we are at another episode of Do You Really Need That Flashlight?

C: HA!

C: Vince Vaughn doesn’t quite rock the giant flashlight like Laura Dern does.

LJ: She is the queen of flashlights

LJ: But how does Vince Vaughn have all the skills he has if he’s a wildlife photographer? He’s a multilingual medic with navigational knowledge

C: That is an excellent question.

LJ: OH SHIT ALL THE RAPTORS NOW

C: These raptors are much less chill than the door-opening raptors of the previous film.

LJ: How could they possibly think they would be able to dig at the same rate of the raptors?!

LJ: And yeah. The raptors before were much less IMMA COME AFTER YOU NOW and much more IMMA HIDE FOR A WHILE AND THEN YOURE F*CKED

C: Putting them gymnast skills to use, Kelly!

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LJ: YOU GO GIRL

LJ: That’s right Sarah, throw roof tiles at the giant prehistoric monster

C: Hahahahaha

C: Gosh velociraptors bicker at convenient moments.

LJ: Helicopter and sober music #jurassicparktropes

C: Except it ain’t over yet!!

C: T-Rex as a souvenir…NOT THE BEST IDEA, BRO.

LJ: Poor sweet RJ. He and Roland had an epic bromance.

C: …Did they? Who the hell was RJ?

LJ: His trusty sidekick!

LJ: The guy who sat by the TRex nest with him!

LJ: …maybe I’ve seen this movie more than you have

C: I think you have. Did he have glasses?

LJ: Yes of course he did poor sweet thing

RIP RJ. You...uh...made quite an impression.

RIP RJ. You…uh…made quite an impression.

LJ: OMG BOAT

C: WE SHOULDA STAYED IN THE DAMN CAR

C: Isn’t that from the first one??

LJ: #JURASSICPARKTROPES

LJ: They also love to reference people torn into pieces in a punny way

C: Dismemberment has become a thing for our movie sessions. Is that bad?

LJ: It seems to be a trend in excellent movies. We are just observers

C: OH DAYUM TREX IN AMERICA

LJ: “Now you’re John Hammond.”

LJ: MALCOLM BURN

C: He knows how to make it sting.

C: T-Rex: Don’t mind me, folks. Neighborhood watch.

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LJ: Hahahahaha

LJ: Why does his family sleep with all the lights on?

C: LOL!! Another good question!!

LJ: POOR DOGGIE

C: Again, PETA HATES these movies.

LJ: Somehow putting TRex in San Diego makes him sillier.

C: “Taking the kid. If you really want to stop us, shoot us.”

C: BAD. ASS.

LJ: Why didn’t they shoot? Isn’t that their job?

LJ: Oh no video store patron chomped! Ew

C: Tasteful death behind car!

LJ: Y’all just give TRex his baybeh back!

C: LEAVE T-REX ALONE!!! *mascara streaming down face*

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LJ: How did they get a fire engine red convertible btw

C: I was just thinking that’s an awfully snazzy car for a Rex baby abduction.

LJ: And the bad cousin guy INSANELY follows them to the boat.

C: Hey! Douche lawyer is back! Just long enough to die horribly.

LJ: Wow daddy TRex are you ever silent on the approach!

C: No shaking water to know he’s coming.

LJ: Troof. Dinosaurs + boats = NO WARNING SYSTEM

C: Daddy Rex: Go on, kiddo! Dinner’s on me!

C: …And so ends another douchey lawyer.

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LJ: Ian glances back to Sarah as if to say…I told you so.

C: That was a very dramatic shot.

LJ: JEFF GOLDBLUM ASLEEP UNBUTTONED SHIRT

LJ: Jurassic Park theme music.

LJ: John Hammond. Talk to me.

C: Finally, FINALLY Hammond gets it.

C: “Life will find a way.” YES.

LJ: …OR DOES HE

LJ: Cue Jurassic Park 3

C: DRAMATIC PTERODACTYL

LJ: Bless its prehistoric heart

C: Oh dear. Yeah JP3 is gonna be…interesting.

C: BUT CAN I EXPRESS AGAIN HOW EXCITED I AM FOR JP4?!?!

LJ: OMG

LJ: YOU AND AN ENTIRE GENERATION

YAAAAASSSSSS

YAAAAASSSSSS

LJ: Sidebar: didn’t realize Vince Vaughn made it through this movie alive. He makes all the most dangerous choices and still walks away.

C: Right?! I couldn’t remember if he lived or died. By all accounts, he should be a goner.

LJ: If we’re going by JP1 rules, yes. He took on raptors and walked away unscathed. Our friend in the first movie—who had studied the animals intimately—still got chomped

C: I don’t know if there are any rules in Jurassic Park. Unless the tropes count as rules.

C: Lawyers must die. Children must be in peril. Large flashlights must be used.

LJ: People must be clueless until they’re geniuses. Or vice versa.

C: Truth. We have figured out the inner workings. We could write a damn JP film ourselves if we wanted.

LJ: !!!!!!!

C: Provided Jeff Goldblum agreed to star, of course.

LJ: He’s just so tall.

C: He is. He needs to star alongside a giantess.

LJ: I am willing to wear platforms, Mr. Goldblum.

C: He is 6’4 ½”. Good luck.

LJ:

LJ: That is very tall.

C: He is also 61. When did that happen?!

LJ: Stop. I don’t want to hear.

C: Um…just kidding?

LJ: I’m so old.

LJ: I have to go to bed. Yay JPLW!

C: Yaaayyy dinosawrs!!!

LJ: Round 2, done!

C: Bring on the travesty that is JP3!!!

LJ: I kind of can’t wait

C: Me neither dude. Me neither.

LJ: Okay goodnight Cara Beara. JP3 date to come!

C: Night night! Dream of steggy babies!

LJ: No different from usual then…

C: Ha! Sounds about right.

 

I hope this helps to start your week off with a few laughs! And if none of the above worked for you, here’s Colin Mochrie pretending to be a velociraptor:

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42 thoughts on “Schuster Sister Shenanigans: The Lost World: Jurassic Park

  1. Sarah was the worst character in this movie-lots of people died because of her! But Jeff Goldblum is awesome as always. Will he cameo in JP4?

  2. “Everyone was young in the 90s”

    Especially me.

    And why always children in peril? I submit two possibilities: 1. Spielberg is a sadist. 2. It is a narrative ploy that is guaranteed to pull at our heart strings. 🙂

    • Huh. Y’know, now that you mention it, it IS a strange sequel, isn’t it? It doesn’t exactly feel like a continuation, but it’s not a complete retread either…

  3. Pppphhhhttt. .. . . I don’t know if the GIF of Peter Stormare getting his lip chewed off by a baby lil dino is funnier, or the GIF of Whose Line is it Anyway? hahahah those are both great. So is this discussion. Great stuff gals!!!!

    The one thing I think I’ve gathered form these Steven Spielberg outings is that he really hates kids, lawyers, and animal abuse. lol

    • Bahaha thanks, Tom! I found that Whose Line gif and couldn’t resist. PLEASE tell me you love that show as much as I do. Yes and yes to Spielberg hating kids and lawyers, but does he HATE animal abuse…or get some kind of weird enjoyment out of it? *shudder*

  4. Haha, this is awesome! You guys are hilarious, your enthusiasm for this crazy franchise is totally infectious. I only saw this and the next one just once but I’m still really looking forward to Jurassic World!

    • Oh man! You need to watch Lost World again for sure! You can skip the third one though. Lol. But yes to Jurassic World! 2015 is going to be an amazing movie year! 🙂

  5. Another awesome post, lady! Love these! And.. OMG – Colin Mochrie! Loved him soooo much in Whose Line Is It Anyway? Ha! He was hilarious. Thanks for the reminder – not seen that show in years. : )

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