Gees, it has been far, far too long since I posted one of these—a little more than two months! Whoops. Well, we’re back now!! After texting about the epic, incomparable Jurassic Park, my sister and I found time to text about its sequel, The Lost World: Jurassic Park. And it went a little something like this:
Laura Jo: DIHNASAWYERS
C: Oh Isla Sorna…
C: La Isla Boni—RAWWWRRRR!!!
LJ: Noooo little girl why you gotta wander off
LJ: This is why we don’t call mommy annoying
C: It’s always children in peril!! Why, Spielberg, why??
C: Aaaaand cut to Jeff Goldblum yawning. Brilliant.
LJ: YES JEFF GOLDBLUM
LJ: Hey he’s on the NYC subway!
C: GROWN UP GRANDKIDS WOAH
LJ: Damn Lex what did the fox say (u kno what I mean grrl)
C: Ohhhh I totally forgot about this snotty guy!
LJ: Lawyers. Always lawyers.
C: It’s true. Too bad we can’t repeat toilet death for them all.
LJ: Gasp site B?!? YOU GUYS WHAT
C: JOHN HAMMOND WHY???
C: HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING???
LJ: He’s just a cockeyed optimist!
C: Or a dumb-eyed dumbass.
LJ: Jeff Goldblum in that leather jacket is perfection
C: It’s true. I miss his flowing locks a little though.
LJ: Oh I dig the shorter cut
LJ: He streamlined
C: LOST WORLD. HE SAID THE MOVIE TITLE. EVERYONE DRINK.
LJ: Oh no Sarah!! She’s already there!! Malcolm boi u just got one upped!
LJ: Also how does he not know where his girlfriend is?
C: RUDE, HAMMOND. QUITE RUDE.
LJ: Hahahaha Eddie you so east coast
LJ: OMG VINCE VAUGHN BEFORE HE WAS VINCE VAUGHN
C: He’s a BABY.
LJ: Ian being a father is so adorable.
C: Yes. Yes he is.
LJ: Kelly’s acting really hard.
LJ: As in performing.
C: She is, bless her.
C: Ooooh I forgot about that platform that rises. “Within biting height.” IAN KNOWS ALL.
LJ: …which, why is that, since he’s a freaking philosopher
LJ: Oh Vince Vaughn, you don’t really speak Spanish.
C: THE FIVE DEATHS! *heavy foreshadowing*
LJ: Triceratops friends!
C: …Stegosaurus? Or are you ahead of me?
LJ: Oh. Yeah. That’s what those are.
LJ: But then later there’s running!
LJ: Julianne Moore, there you are!
C: Again, looks SO YOUNG.
LJ: Everyone was young in the 90s.
C: “Is that a Nikon?” PRODUCT PLACEMENT.
LJ: Good for them. They only had a few more years until the iPhone.
C: Baby steggy lookin preshhhh
LJ: Sarah why you gotta touch it!
C: NOT a clevah gel
C: Dammit Nikon!!!
C: Stegosaurus attack: where Cara would have died.
LJ: Oh NO Kelly!!!
LJ: Also was Vince Vaughn just a racist?
C: Yep. I believe he was. For shame, Mr. Vaughn.
LJ: Geez Kelly! Such a mess in the trailer!
C: Sarah…probs not the time for a relationship discussion.
LJ: Aaaaand ALL THE HELICOPTERS
C: Gees I have forgotten so much! They bring a freaking army!
LJ: OMG hellooooo Roland!
C: EPIC speech.
LJ: I love that actor. He’s so good.
C: What else is he in?? He’s so familiar…
LJ: Inception, Amistad, Romeo + Juliet
LJ: Alien 3
C: Oh he IS in Inception, isn’t he?
LJ: Yep yep!
C: Run, cowboy hippie, run!!!
LJ: Yeah bro STAHP with that hair!
LJ: Hahahah ELVIS
C: The pompadourasaurus!!
LJ: Those jeeps are intense
LJ: Poor Elvis Dinosaur
C: He’s all shook up
C: GOD I can’t wait for cowboy hippie to bite it.
LJ: …and then there’s the psychopath with the taser.
C: Is that…the guy from Fargo?
LJ: Yes. That’s the guy from Fargo.
LJ: OMG BABY REX
C: Oh baby Rex. Little did we know what a big plot point you would become.
C: With each baby Rex scream I hear: “BAAAAD IDEAAAAA!!!”
LJ: Aaaaaand then Hammond’s team started LETTING ALL THE DINOSAURS OUT
C: Yeah I’m sorry, how is that a good plan?
LJ: Oh hai trike frand
LJ: Whoops, are they ever mad!
C: CARS IN TREES, ROUND 2
LJ: Vince Vaughn that was perhaps NOT THE BEST DECISION
C: “Man, Ian’s not gonna like this.” NO SHIT, HOMEGIRL.
LJ: Aaaand raining. Cue impending disaster.
LJ: Also Ian, stop trying to speak to the Spanish-speaking lady in English.
C: Ha! You’re right about the rain! That’s a thing with these films, isn’t it?
LJ: Yeah Kelly’s right. Other animals are gonna hear this. 100% yes, Kelly
C: Kelly ideas ftw
LJ: TREX ROAR AHHHH
LJ: Also how are Sarah and Nick suddenly medically trained?!
LJ: And in what world is it acceptable to zip line down from the high hide?!
C: Ian Malcolm. THAT is when it’s acceptable.
LJ: And I have a feeling gum is not going to hold a bandage onto a TRex. But you guys do you.
LJ: Mommy’s very angry!
LJ: BEHIND YOU AHHH
LJ: How do we top the TRex from the first movie? WITH TWO TREXES OF COURSE
C: Angry parent T-Rexes, no less.
LJ: Just the worst possible situation.
C: Pretty much.
LJ: HANG ON THIS IS GONNA BE BAD
C: Again, IAN MALCOLM KNOW ALL!!!
LJ: And suddenly there’s another trashed vehicle getting thrown around in mud
LJ: Why the plexiglass?
C: Oh gees the plexiglass is the WORST
LJ: And again, a nylon strap of something slipping off something else
LJ: Last time it was Dr Sadler who couldn’t catch the gun strap with her foot
C: Yep! I thought it was the gun you were talking about. We must pay attention for these things in Jurassic Park III.
LJ: You guys, Kelly is by herself right now. Get it together.
C: CABLE TIED TO TREE. #jurassicparktrope
C: Also, slipping in mud in a crisis.
LJ: Yes. And jeeps. Always jeeps
C: It’s the little jeep that could!
LJ: Eddie! What a hero!
LJ: OMG Sarah with the lack of rope climbing skills!
C: SARAH GURL COME ON
LJ: On a separate note, I am inspired to go to the gym
C: Seriously. I would be slipping down that rope like nobody’s business.
LJ: OH NO TREXES LEAVE SWEET EDDIE ALONE
LJ: ITS LIKE LADY AND THE TRAMP BUT HORRIFYING
C: OH GOD YOU’RE RIGHT
C: RIP Eddie. You were a good freaking dude.
LJ: Poor Eddie. It’s really not fair.
C: They barely even mourn poor Eddie!
LJ: OMG let Vince Vaughn and Fargo dude fight!!
C: Yeah I’d like to see the outcome of that…
LJ: Oh thanks for the convenient information about the communication center corporate English dude
LJ: Woah Roland. So hardcore. #rememberEddie
C: He’s stonecold. I keep thinking of the hunter in Jumanji.
LJ: Yes. Omg. We should watch Jumanji.
C: AHHHH WE SHOULD.
LJ: Also Sarah, you’ve studied predators all your life. WHY OH WHY would you keep wearing the TRex-baby-blood soaked shirt that’s not drying in the humidity?!?!
C: Ooooh good call.
C: Oh man. This is a fave Jurassic Park demise.
LJ: And how does no one hear Fargo yelling? They’re all like right there!
C: Yeah that’s weird…
LJ: I can’t get an image of this guy with a woodchipper out of my mind
C: HA! Tables have turned…
LJ: Death by tiny dinosaurs. Rough.
C: Tastefully hidden death. #jurassicparktrope
LJ: How is Vince Vaughn suddenly in charge of all the soldiers?
C: I was just wondering that. Because…Vince Vaughn?
LJ: Before he was That Guy.
LJ: SOUND VIBRATIONS IN WATER
C: Oh that’s an important one. Do they do that in 3?
LJ: No idea but WE’LL FIND OUT
C: Already cannot wait.
LJ: Random soldier dude WHY YOU GOTTA YELL LIKE THAT
C: CARTER YOU USELESS DUMBASS
LJ: OMG DEATH BY TREX FOOT SMOOSH
LJ: Meanwhile, Roland is prepared as f*ck
C: Like, of course!! He wins at Jurassic Park.
LJ: TRex lick. Did not need that.
LJ: And goodbye hippie.
C: SNAKES. WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SNAKES.
C: YES. Velociraptor time.
LJ: You guys does no one remember there be RAPTORS IN THERE
C: One character on a mission with a flashlight. #jurassicparktrope
LJ: And here we are at another episode of Do You Really Need That Flashlight?
C: Vince Vaughn doesn’t quite rock the giant flashlight like Laura Dern does.
LJ: She is the queen of flashlights
LJ: But how does Vince Vaughn have all the skills he has if he’s a wildlife photographer? He’s a multilingual medic with navigational knowledge
C: That is an excellent question.
LJ: OH SHIT ALL THE RAPTORS NOW
C: These raptors are much less chill than the door-opening raptors of the previous film.
LJ: How could they possibly think they would be able to dig at the same rate of the raptors?!
LJ: And yeah. The raptors before were much less IMMA COME AFTER YOU NOW and much more IMMA HIDE FOR A WHILE AND THEN YOURE F*CKED
C: Putting them gymnast skills to use, Kelly!
LJ: YOU GO GIRL
LJ: That’s right Sarah, throw roof tiles at the giant prehistoric monster
C: Gosh velociraptors bicker at convenient moments.
LJ: Helicopter and sober music #jurassicparktropes
C: Except it ain’t over yet!!
C: T-Rex as a souvenir…NOT THE BEST IDEA, BRO.
LJ: Poor sweet RJ. He and Roland had an epic bromance.
C: …Did they? Who the hell was RJ?
LJ: His trusty sidekick!
LJ: The guy who sat by the TRex nest with him!
LJ: …maybe I’ve seen this movie more than you have
C: I think you have. Did he have glasses?
LJ: Yes of course he did poor sweet thing
LJ: OMG BOAT
C: WE SHOULDA STAYED IN THE DAMN CAR
C: Isn’t that from the first one??
LJ: They also love to reference people torn into pieces in a punny way
C: Dismemberment has become a thing for our movie sessions. Is that bad?
LJ: It seems to be a trend in excellent movies. We are just observers
C: OH DAYUM TREX IN AMERICA
LJ: “Now you’re John Hammond.”
LJ: MALCOLM BURN
C: He knows how to make it sting.
C: T-Rex: Don’t mind me, folks. Neighborhood watch.
LJ: Why does his family sleep with all the lights on?
C: LOL!! Another good question!!
LJ: POOR DOGGIE
C: Again, PETA HATES these movies.
LJ: Somehow putting TRex in San Diego makes him sillier.
C: “Taking the kid. If you really want to stop us, shoot us.”
C: BAD. ASS.
LJ: Why didn’t they shoot? Isn’t that their job?
LJ: Oh no video store patron chomped! Ew
C: Tasteful death behind car!
LJ: Y’all just give TRex his baybeh back!
C: LEAVE T-REX ALONE!!! *mascara streaming down face*
LJ: How did they get a fire engine red convertible btw
C: I was just thinking that’s an awfully snazzy car for a Rex baby abduction.
LJ: And the bad cousin guy INSANELY follows them to the boat.
C: Hey! Douche lawyer is back! Just long enough to die horribly.
LJ: Wow daddy TRex are you ever silent on the approach!
C: No shaking water to know he’s coming.
LJ: Troof. Dinosaurs + boats = NO WARNING SYSTEM
C: Daddy Rex: Go on, kiddo! Dinner’s on me!
C: …And so ends another douchey lawyer.
LJ: Ian glances back to Sarah as if to say…I told you so.
C: That was a very dramatic shot.
LJ: JEFF GOLDBLUM ASLEEP UNBUTTONED SHIRT
LJ: Jurassic Park theme music.
LJ: John Hammond. Talk to me.
C: Finally, FINALLY Hammond gets it.
C: “Life will find a way.” YES.
LJ: …OR DOES HE
LJ: Cue Jurassic Park 3
C: DRAMATIC PTERODACTYL
LJ: Bless its prehistoric heart
C: Oh dear. Yeah JP3 is gonna be…interesting.
C: BUT CAN I EXPRESS AGAIN HOW EXCITED I AM FOR JP4?!?!
LJ: YOU AND AN ENTIRE GENERATION
LJ: Sidebar: didn’t realize Vince Vaughn made it through this movie alive. He makes all the most dangerous choices and still walks away.
C: Right?! I couldn’t remember if he lived or died. By all accounts, he should be a goner.
LJ: If we’re going by JP1 rules, yes. He took on raptors and walked away unscathed. Our friend in the first movie—who had studied the animals intimately—still got chomped
C: I don’t know if there are any rules in Jurassic Park. Unless the tropes count as rules.
C: Lawyers must die. Children must be in peril. Large flashlights must be used.
LJ: People must be clueless until they’re geniuses. Or vice versa.
C: Truth. We have figured out the inner workings. We could write a damn JP film ourselves if we wanted.
C: Provided Jeff Goldblum agreed to star, of course.
LJ: He’s just so tall.
C: He is. He needs to star alongside a giantess.
LJ: I am willing to wear platforms, Mr. Goldblum.
C: He is 6’4 ½”. Good luck.
LJ: That is very tall.
C: He is also 61. When did that happen?!
LJ: Stop. I don’t want to hear.
C: Um…just kidding?
LJ: I’m so old.
LJ: I have to go to bed. Yay JPLW!
C: Yaaayyy dinosawrs!!!
LJ: Round 2, done!
C: Bring on the travesty that is JP3!!!
LJ: I kind of can’t wait
C: Me neither dude. Me neither.
LJ: Okay goodnight Cara Beara. JP3 date to come!
C: Night night! Dream of steggy babies!
LJ: No different from usual then…
C: Ha! Sounds about right.
I hope this helps to start your week off with a few laughs! And if none of the above worked for you, here’s Colin Mochrie pretending to be a velociraptor: