The time is ripe for more shenanigans! That’s right—after having a grand old time watching and texting about Star Wars Episodes IV-VI (the likes of which you can read about in the Shenanigans Archives), my lovely sister, Laura Jo, and I decided we were ready to take on another trilogy. We just so happened to be hankering for dinosaurs. So we got our texting thumbs ready and geared up for a little adventure in Jurassic Park. Here’s what happened:
Cara: ONE MINUTE!!!!
Laura Jo: DINOSAURS
C: NOW HERE WE GO
LJ: Ominous foliage.
C: Concerned man in hard hat!
LJ: Not sure how helpful hard hats are when dealing with dinos
C: Haha right??
LJ: It seems like in a state of the art park you would not have to have someone physically raise the gate
C: I was JUST thinking that…
LJ: OH NO GATEKEEPER
C: SHOOT HER!!!
LJ: SHOOOOOOT HER
C: Ugh. Douchey lawyer.
LJ: I feel like the lawyer everyone hates is a total 90s trope haha
C: Haha yeah probably. Were suits that are too big for you a ‘90s trend?
LJ: Yeah def all clothes were ill fitting on purpose in the 90s. It was wicked bro
LJ: Petrified mosquito, this is all your fault.
C: But so pretty!!
LJ: Dr. Grant I’m digging your plaid shirt
LJ: (Get it? Digging?)
C: Lol. You so funny.
LJ: OMG kid shut up.
C: Question: where did he even come from?
LJ: Yeah who does that little jerk belong to
C: That’s right Dr. Grant—scare the piss out of him.
LJ: And then that kid went to therapy for the rest of his life
C: Dr. Grant: no one’s first choice for babysitter.
LJ: Um he’s right kids totally smell
LJ: Richard Attenborough so charming!
C: Love the straw hat. And Scottish accent.
C: Hook, line, sinker. Hammond knows how to get ‘em.
LJ: Wow, Dodson, bro, that hat.
C: Straw hats were all the rage.
LJ: Why is Dennis so excited about the shaving cream
C: Because shaving cream that hides DINOS!!!
LJ: Yes Ian Malcolm!!!
C: I freaking love Jeff Goldblum in this.
LJ: He’s SO perfect
C: Also, is the lawyer wearing pants?? #hairylegs
LJ: Omg! Shorts and a suit jacket! What the hell!
C: RIGHT? NASTY!!!
LJ: Okay the sound effect when he ties the seatbelt
LJ: I’ve tried to recreate that so many times
LJ: IT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE THAT
C: HA! I love that you’ve tried though.
LJ: They’ve arrivvvvved!
C: This music makes me want to go do epic things.
LJ: Let’s do something epic! …with minimal danger!
C: Yeah let’s not visit Jurassic Park. Let’s just…go to the zoo. Or a dog park.
LJ: Yes!! Brachiosaurus!!
LJ: You have a T-Rex?! CUE SWOON
C: Sweeping shot of dinos. SO. AWESOME.
LJ: They do move in herds! *single tear*
LJ: Multiple John Hammonds! Hooray!
C: And super southern Mr. DNA.
LJ: Exposition exposition
LJ: Bingo: Dino DNA!
LJ: Did the lawyer just say auto erotica?!
C: Yes. Yes he did. Awkward.
LJ: Ew terrifying raptor baby
C: Yep. Even the babies are scurry.
LJ: No unauthorized breeding in Jurassic Park. LOOKS LIKE YALL JUST PICKED A BIG BUSHEL OF OOPSIE DAISIES
LJ: Y’all listen to Ian Malcolm for the love of Pete!
C: For serious!!
LJ: It’s the end of the line, cow friend
C: POOR THING
C: THE DISTRESSED MOOS
C: Is it just me or is the raptor pen friggin tiny?
LJ: Yeah let’s give those things some space
LJ: They remembah
C: You tell ‘em, mysterious English badass.
LJ: Poor John Hammond! Errebody’s ganging up!
C: Well, given how this turns out…kinda justified. Sorry, John bro.
LJ: Add some children into the mix! Huzzah!
LJ: Tim how cute are you
C: PRECIOUS. What happened to these kids???
LJ: I BEST GOOGLE KNOWS
C: OMG. Totes googling them later. I hope they’re not porn stars or something now…(DON’T WORRY, GUYS—they’re not.)
LJ: Oh god those computers
C: And NICK FURY!!!
LJ: YES SAMUEL L JACKSON
C: I remember the phrase “hold on to your butts” cracking me up when I was little
LJ: Hahahaha of course it did.
LJ: They are through the gates! Here we go y’all
C: Let’s count the number of time Hammond says “spared no expense.”
C: I’m up to three.
LJ: DENNIS STAHP.
C: Arguably the most love to hate character of the ‘90s.
LJ: All this could have been avoided if he just gave Dennis a raise haha
LJ: Poor wittle goat friend
C: PETA must’ve hated this film.
LJ: Lex’s shirt is really a choice
LJ: Y’all stop jumping out of the cars in the dino park!!
LJ: And yeah those doors totes need locks
C: Yeah why don’t they have locks?! Bad idea, peeps.
C: Woof. You’re right about that shirt. Painful paisley.
LJ: Poor sick Triceratops!
C: Make the Triceratops some chicken noodle soup! Pitiful!
LJ: Laura Dern’s laugh-cry is perfection
C: She’s pretty wonderful in this.
LJ: Dino…droppings? Droppings?
C: EWWW digging through dino poo…
LJ: Get it gurl.
LJ: OMG Dennis could you BE any more obvi.
C: Yet they still suspect nothing…
LJ: Oh Malcolm, of course you have a flask.
LJ: Also Sam is smokin like a chimney up in that command center!
C: I’d be afraid to tell him not to.
LJ: Hahaha find Landry! Check the vending machines! (It’s actually “Nedry,” not “Landry,” but we eventually sort it out.)
C: P.S. I would very much like a Jurassic Park raincoat.
LJ: T. Rex paddock. This is about to get real.
LJ: Aaaand the lawyer is taking a nap. Haha
C: That sums up his usefulness.
LJ: YES CUP OF WATER
LJ: A WORLD OF YES
C: T-REX ON THE MOVE
LJ: GOAT LEG ON THE SUN ROOF
C: Alas for goat…
C: T-REX SAYS HELLO!!!!
C: Lawyer retreats to bathroom.
LJ: When you gotta go you gotta go.
LJ: DAMMIT LEXI PUT THE GIANT FLASHLIGHT AWAY
C: T-REX NOMS TIRES
LJ: Not gonna lie, I think that would be totally satisfying if I were a T-Rex
C: You would not be able to text me if you were a T-Rex.
LJ: WITH A REALLY BIG PHONE I COULD
C: But you couldn’t look down at your hands!!
LJ: Oh god I would totally be T-Rex Tries
C: YOU WOULD!!! It’d be so sad!!!
LJ: Yeah I’d be the saddest T-Rex for sure.
C: IAN FREEZE!!!
LJ: WOAH LOOK OUT FOR THE CARRRRRR
C: T-Rex roar is the best.
LJ: Oh his name is Dennis Nedry, not Landry (Bingo!)
C: Meh. Close enough. He’s about to be gone anyway.
C: Comical slip sound when he fell?!
LJ: Yeah it was a silly slip sound haha!
LJ: Okay my reaction to having a stuck car would not be to drag a cable into the dinosaur enclosure
C: What is he trying to do with the cable anyway?
LJ: I don’t know but he’s also trying to play fetch with a dinosaur
LJ: Ew gross poisonous dino spit
C: Yeah and ouch.
C: Bye bye, Dennis.
LJ: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT
C: POOR, PITIFUL TIM
LJ: He is the sweetest
LJ: AH CAR FALLING THRU A TREE
C: Yes, yell and wave a flashlight next to the broken T-Rex pen, Laura Dern.
LJ: Objects in mirror are closer than they appear OH SH*T
LJ: Yeah stay by the brachiosaurs guys. That’s a much better idea
C: Dr. Grant speaks dinosaur. Who knew?
LJ: WHADDAYA CALL A BLIND DINOSAUR
LJ: WHADDAYA CALL A BLIND DINOSAURS DOG
LJ: Hammond has an ice cream pity party
C: Hammond pull it together, gurl.
C: And the “spared no expenses” continue!!
LJ: Veggie-saurus, Lex!
LJ: DINO SNOT WHY
C: The dinosaurs are breeding
LJ: Finds a
LJ: …an accidental pseudo-haiku
C: Ha! Truth.
LJ: System shutdown ahhhh
C: People! Are! Dying! …He says in Shatner-esque style.
LJ: Love it. Love him.
LJ: No Sam don’t gooooo
C: TAKE IRON MAN WITH YOU, NICK FURY.
LJ: Oh no something’s wrong back in the bunker
LJ: Thank god he knows where the blueprints with instructions are
C: Yes, spread it all out on Malcolm’s bleeding leg wound.
LJ: LOOK WE CAN DISCUSS SEXISIM IN SURVIVAL SITUATIONS WHEN I GET BACK
LJ: Get it gurl.
C: Amen. I’m with Laura Dern if the zombocalypse happens.
LJ: Her French twist is still surprisingly gorgeous
LJ: OMG RUUUUNN GIRLFRIEND
LJ: THERES RAPTORS ABOUT
C: She’s swinging from that branch like Tarzan!!
LJ: That super fake looking branch that is clearly a bar someone hotglued Hobby Lobby moss on? Yeah
LJ: OMG Dr. Grant pretending to get electrocuted is MAYBE NOT CALLED FOR GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES
LJ: Why does she have to pump up the switch
C: Yeah I’ve always thought that was weird…
C: Ahhhh raptor is happening!!!
LJ: OMG MR ARNOLD NOOOOOOO GIRLFRIEND RUUUUUUN
C: LOST ARM TREND CONTINUES!!!!! (We talked about the many lost arms in the Star Wars films.)
LJ: HOLY SH*T ITS UNIVERSAL
LJ: AHHH CLEVAH GEL
C: And we say goodbye to badass English guy.
C: Dessert-eating scene. Jealous.
LJ: Terrified jello scene
LJ: JUST THE TWO RAPTORS RIGHT
C: …Unless they figure out how to open doors. WHOOPS.
C: Got raptors up in the kitchen and they hawngry!
LJ: That’s right Lex, lead the way. You go girl
LJ: WHY LADLE WHY
C: AHHHH SHUT THAT THING GURL!!!
LJ: AND STAHP SCREAMING GEEZ
C: Raptor-cicle in the freezer!
LJ: THE DOOR LOCKS!
LJ: Also how can they hold the door against that thing
C: Seriously. It’s a freaking RAPTOR.
LJ: THANK GOD LEX IS TOTALLY A NERD
C: The day is saved by a nerd. Not the first time that’s happened.
LJ: Convenient ladder!
LJ: That’s right Grant! You kick that raptor in the face!
C: Here comes the best moment ever!!!
LJ: AAAAAAND TREX SAVES THE DAAAAAAY
C: T-REX IS KING OF DINOSAURS!!!!
C: TRIUMPHANT ROAR WHILE JURASSIC PARK BANNER FALLS!!!!
LJ: SO EPIC
LJ: And helicopter nap time
LJ: And then the symbolic pelicans
C: Why pelicans??
LJ: BC THEYRE BIRDS
LJ: Read: free stock footage
C: Hey, one dino film down! Another good one and one terrible one to go!
LJ: Can’t wait for the pterodactyl cage.
C: Oh gees. I’d forgotten about that! I can’t wait for baby T-Rex!!
LJ: Yep. And that adorable girl who plays Jeff Goldblum’s daughter
LJ: And Laura Linney
LJ: And Vince Vaughn before he was That Guy
LJ: Anyway, miss you, love you, goodnight 🙂
C: Ditto! Sleep tight!
C: T-REX-SIZED LOVE!!!!
LJ: YES ALWAYS!!
Hope this gave you some laughs, amigos. TGIF! Go have a T-Rex-sized margarita! 😉 I shall leave you with this: