Schuster Sister Shenanigans: Jurassic Park

jurassic park

The time is ripe for more shenanigans! That’s right—after having a grand old time watching and texting about Star Wars Episodes IV-VI (the likes of which you can read about in the Shenanigans Archives), my lovely sister, Laura Jo, and I decided we were ready to take on another trilogy. We just so happened to be hankering for dinosaurs. So we got our texting thumbs ready and geared up for a little adventure in Jurassic Park. Here’s what happened:

 jp 1

Cara: ONE MINUTE!!!!

Laura Jo: DINOSAURS

C: NOW HERE WE GO

LJ: Ominous foliage.

C: Concerned man in hard hat!

LJ: Not sure how helpful hard hats are when dealing with dinos

C: Haha right??

LJ: It seems like in a state of the art park you would not have to have someone physically raise the gate

C: I was JUST thinking that…

LJ: OH NO GATEKEEPER

C: SHOOT HER!!!

LJ: SHOOOOOOT HER

C: Ugh. Douchey lawyer.

LJ: I feel like the lawyer everyone hates is a total 90s trope haha

C: Haha yeah probably. Were suits that are too big for you a ‘90s trend?

LJ: Yeah def all clothes were ill fitting on purpose in the 90s. It was wicked bro

jp 2

LJ: Petrified mosquito, this is all your fault.

C: But so pretty!!

LJ: Dr. Grant I’m digging your plaid shirt

LJ: (Get it? Digging?)

C: Lol. You so funny.

LJ: OMG kid shut up.

C: Question: where did he even come from?

LJ: Yeah who does that little jerk belong to

C: That’s right Dr. Grant—scare the piss out of him.

LJ: And then that kid went to therapy for the rest of his life

C: Dr. Grant: no one’s first choice for babysitter.

LJ: Um he’s right kids totally smell

LJ: Richard Attenborough so charming!

C: Love the straw hat. And Scottish accent.

jp 3

C: Hook, line, sinker. Hammond knows how to get ‘em.

LJ: Wow, Dodson, bro, that hat.

C: Straw hats were all the rage.

LJ: Why is Dennis so excited about the shaving cream

C: Because shaving cream that hides DINOS!!!

LJ: Yes Ian Malcolm!!!

C: I freaking love Jeff Goldblum in this.

LJ: He’s SO perfect

C: Also, is the lawyer wearing pants?? #hairylegs

LJ: Omg! Shorts and a suit jacket! What the hell!

C: RIGHT? NASTY!!!

LAWYER, PUT ON SOME PANTS, YA HIPPIE

LAWYER, PUT ON SOME PANTS, YA HIPPIE

LJ: Okay the sound effect when he ties the seatbelt

LJ: I’ve tried to recreate that so many times

LJ: IT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE THAT

C: HA! I love that you’ve tried though.

LJ: They’ve arrivvvvved!

C: This music makes me want to go do epic things.

LJ: Let’s do something epic! …with minimal danger!

C: Yeah let’s not visit Jurassic Park. Let’s just…go to the zoo. Or a dog park.

LJ: Fab.

LJ: Yes!! Brachiosaurus!!

LJ: You have a T-Rex?! CUE SWOON

C: Sweeping shot of dinos. SO. AWESOME.

LJ: They do move in herds! *single tear*

jp 5

LJ: Multiple John Hammonds! Hooray!

C: And super southern Mr. DNA.

C: “Dinahsaws”

LJ: Hahahaha

LJ: Exposition exposition

LJ: Bingo: Dino DNA!

LJ: Did the lawyer just say auto erotica?!

C: Yes. Yes he did. Awkward.

LJ: Ew terrifying raptor baby

C: Yep. Even the babies are scurry.

Eeeeeeek!

Eeeeeeek!

LJ: No unauthorized breeding in Jurassic Park. LOOKS LIKE YALL JUST PICKED A BIG BUSHEL OF OOPSIE DAISIES

C: Hahahaha.

LJ: Y’all listen to Ian Malcolm for the love of Pete!

C: For serious!!

LJ: It’s the end of the line, cow friend

C: POOR THING

C: THE DISTRESSED MOOS

C: Is it just me or is the raptor pen friggin tiny?

LJ: Yeah let’s give those things some space

LJ: They remembah

C: You tell ‘em, mysterious English badass.

LJ: Poor John Hammond! Errebody’s ganging up!

C: Well, given how this turns out…kinda justified. Sorry, John bro.

LJ: Add some children into the mix! Huzzah!

LJ: Tim how cute are you

C: PRECIOUS. What happened to these kids???

LJ: I BEST GOOGLE KNOWS

C: OMG. Totes googling them later. I hope they’re not porn stars or something now…(DON’T WORRY, GUYS—they’re not.)

Tim then and now

Tim then and now

LJ: Oh god those computers

C: And NICK FURY!!!

LJ: YES SAMUEL L JACKSON

C: I remember the phrase “hold on to your butts” cracking me up when I was little

LJ: Hahahaha of course it did.

LJ: They are through the gates! Here we go y’all

C: Let’s count the number of time Hammond says “spared no expense.”

C: I’m up to three.

LJ: Hahahahahaha

LJ: DENNIS STAHP.

C: Arguably the most love to hate character of the ‘90s.

LJ: All this could have been avoided if he just gave Dennis a raise haha

LJ: Poor wittle goat friend

C: PETA must’ve hated this film.

LJ: Hahahah

LJ: Lex’s shirt is really a choice

LJ: Y’all stop jumping out of the cars in the dino park!!

LJ: And yeah those doors totes need locks

C: Yeah why don’t they have locks?! Bad idea, peeps.

C: Woof. You’re right about that shirt. Painful paisley.

That PAISLEY. Girl, YIKES.

That PAISLEY. Girl, YIKES.

LJ: Poor sick Triceratops!

C: Make the Triceratops some chicken noodle soup! Pitiful!

LJ: Laura Dern’s laugh-cry is perfection

C: She’s pretty wonderful in this.

LJ: Dino…droppings? Droppings?

C: EWWW digging through dino poo…

LJ: Get it gurl.

LJ: OMG Dennis could you BE any more obvi.

C: Yet they still suspect nothing…

LJ: Oh Malcolm, of course you have a flask.

LJ: Also Sam is smokin like a chimney up in that command center!

C: I’d be afraid to tell him not to.

LJ: Word.

LJ: Hahaha find Landry! Check the vending machines! (It’s actually “Nedry,” not “Landry,” but we eventually sort it out.)

C: Lol!

C: P.S. I would very much like a Jurassic Park raincoat.

LJ: YES

WANT.

WANT.

LJ: T. Rex paddock. This is about to get real.

LJ: Aaaand the lawyer is taking a nap. Haha

C: That sums up his usefulness.

LJ: YES CUP OF WATER

LJ: A WORLD OF YES

C: T-REX ON THE MOVE

LJ: GOAT LEG ON THE SUN ROOF

C: Alas for goat…

C: T-REX SAYS HELLO!!!!

C: Lawyer retreats to bathroom.

LJ: When you gotta go you gotta go.

LJ: DAMMIT LEXI PUT THE GIANT FLASHLIGHT AWAY

C: T-REX NOMS TIRES

LJ: Not gonna lie, I think that would be totally satisfying if I were a T-Rex

C: You would not be able to text me if you were a T-Rex.

LJ: WITH A REALLY BIG PHONE I COULD

C: But you couldn’t look down at your hands!!

LJ: Oh god I would totally be T-Rex Tries

C: YOU WOULD!!! It’d be so sad!!!

LJ: Yeah I’d be the saddest T-Rex for sure.

T-REX TRIES

T-REX TRIES

C: IAN FREEZE!!!

LJ: WOAH LOOK OUT FOR THE CARRRRRR

C: T-Rex roar is the best.

LJ: Oh his name is Dennis Nedry, not Landry (Bingo!)

C: Meh. Close enough. He’s about to be gone anyway.

C: Comical slip sound when he fell?!

LJ: Yeah it was a silly slip sound haha!

LJ: Okay my reaction to having a stuck car would not be to drag a cable into the dinosaur enclosure

C: What is he trying to do with the cable anyway?

LJ: I don’t know but he’s also trying to play fetch with a dinosaur

LJ: Ew gross poisonous dino spit

C: Yeah and ouch.

C: Bye bye, Dennis.

LJ: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT

C: POOR, PITIFUL TIM

LJ: He is the sweetest

LJ: AH CAR FALLING THRU A TREE

C: Yes, yell and wave a flashlight next to the broken T-Rex pen, Laura Dern.

LJ: Objects in mirror are closer than they appear OH SH*T

jp 11

LJ: Yeah stay by the brachiosaurs guys. That’s a much better idea

C: Dr. Grant speaks dinosaur. Who knew?

LJ: WHADDAYA CALL A BLIND DINOSAUR

C: DOYOUTHINKHESAURUS!!!

LJ: WHADDAYA CALL A BLIND DINOSAURS DOG

C: DOYOUTHINKHESAURUS-REX!!!

LJ: Hammond has an ice cream pity party

C: Hammond pull it together, gurl.

C: And the “spared no expenses” continue!!

LJ: #4!

LJ: Veggie-saurus, Lex!

LJ: DINO SNOT WHY

C: The dinosaurs are breeding

LJ: Life

LJ: Finds a

LJ: Way

LJ: …an accidental pseudo-haiku

C: Ha! Truth.

LJ: System shutdown ahhhh

C: People! Are! Dying! …He says in Shatner-esque style.

LJ: Love it. Love him.

LJ: No Sam don’t gooooo

C: TAKE IRON MAN WITH YOU, NICK FURY.

LJ: Oh no something’s wrong back in the bunker

LJ: Thank god he knows where the blueprints with instructions are

C: Yes, spread it all out on Malcolm’s bleeding leg wound.

LJ: LOOK WE CAN DISCUSS SEXISIM IN SURVIVAL SITUATIONS WHEN I GET BACK

LJ: Get it gurl.

B*tch, please.

B*tch, please.

C: Amen. I’m with Laura Dern if the zombocalypse happens.

LJ: Her French twist is still surprisingly gorgeous

LJ: OMG RUUUUNN GIRLFRIEND

LJ: THERES RAPTORS ABOUT

C: She’s swinging from that branch like Tarzan!!

LJ: That super fake looking branch that is clearly a bar someone hotglued Hobby Lobby moss on? Yeah

LJ: OMG Dr. Grant pretending to get electrocuted is MAYBE NOT CALLED FOR GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES

C: EXACTLY.

LJ: Why does she have to pump up the switch

C: Yeah I’ve always thought that was weird…

C: Ahhhh raptor is happening!!!

LJ: OMG MR ARNOLD NOOOOOOO GIRLFRIEND RUUUUUUN

C: LOST ARM TREND CONTINUES!!!!! (We talked about the many lost arms in the Star Wars films.)

LJ: HOLY SH*T ITS UNIVERSAL

jp 13

LJ: AHHH CLEVAH GEL

C: And we say goodbye to badass English guy.

C: Dessert-eating scene. Jealous.

LJ: Terrified jello scene

LJ: JUST THE TWO RAPTORS RIGHT

C: …Unless they figure out how to open doors. WHOOPS.

C: Got raptors up in the kitchen and they hawngry!

LJ: That’s right Lex, lead the way. You go girl

LJ: WHY LADLE WHY

C: AHHHH SHUT THAT THING GURL!!!

LJ: AND STAHP SCREAMING GEEZ

C: Raptor-cicle in the freezer!

LJ: THE DOOR LOCKS!

LJ: Also how can they hold the door against that thing

C: Seriously. It’s a freaking RAPTOR.

LJ: THANK GOD LEX IS TOTALLY A NERD

C: The day is saved by a nerd. Not the first time that’s happened.

LJ: Convenient ladder!

LJ: That’s right Grant! You kick that raptor in the face!

C: Here comes the best moment ever!!!

LJ: AAAAAAND TREX SAVES THE DAAAAAAY

C: T-REX IS KING OF DINOSAURS!!!!

C: TRIUMPHANT ROAR WHILE JURASSIC PARK BANNER FALLS!!!!

AW HELL YEAH

AW HELL YEAH

LJ: SO EPIC

LJ: And helicopter nap time

LJ: And then the symbolic pelicans

C: Why pelicans??

LJ: BC THEYRE BIRDS

LJ: Read: free stock footage

C: Hahahahahaha.

C: Hey, one dino film down! Another good one and one terrible one to go!

LJ: Can’t wait for the pterodactyl cage.

C: Oh gees. I’d forgotten about that! I can’t wait for baby T-Rex!!

LJ: Yep. And that adorable girl who plays Jeff Goldblum’s daughter

LJ: And Laura Linney

LJ: And Vince Vaughn before he was That Guy

LJ: Anyway, miss you, love you, goodnight 🙂

C: Ditto! Sleep tight!

LJ: Xoxoxoxo

C: T-REX-SIZED LOVE!!!!

LJ: YES ALWAYS!!

 

Hope this gave you some laughs, amigos. TGIF! Go have a T-Rex-sized margarita! 😉 I shall leave you with this:

jp last

Advertisements

57 thoughts on “Schuster Sister Shenanigans: Jurassic Park

      • I showed this list to a friend who loves Jurassic Park and he said that when he made his wife watch it for the first time, she actually asked #9 lol.

        • I actually had never seen the raw appeal of JG until one late night in college when I had the TV on for background noise and “Earth Girls Are Easy”, starring he and Geena Davis, came on. I’ll admit…having seen bits of that, I get it now.

  1. You girls are crazy! I love this movie and yes so sweet when they say “they move in herds.” Wiping my tears away just rereading that. I was slightly obsessed with this movie I think I went 4 or 5 times to see it at movie theater. (don’t make fun of me). LOL 🙂

  2. hahah this is a very funny and insightful little read Cara. Thanks for sharing.

    Jurassic Park is just such a classic. I wonder what kind of commentary I would be running throughout it. Or the Lost World.

    Oh, and I don’t know about you, but I personally CANNOT wait for The Lost World! 🙂

    • Ahaha thanks, Tom! Yeah I’m excited about Lost World, too!! Haven’t seen it in quite awhile actually. Not sure when we’ll get around to it, but whenever we do I think it’ll be epic. 😀

      • oh crap. totally meant Jurassic World, like. . the new installment into the franchise. But yes! I also eagerly await your commentary on The Lost World, too. All good stuff. 😀 😀

        • Oh Jurassic World will be awesome!!! Or I very, very, very much hope it will be. Lol. But Chris Pratt is on board, so I’m game. 🙂

  3. Pingback: [NEWS] The Sunday Spew (25th May 2014) « The Verbal Spew Review

    • Pretty sure it only came out in three movie theaters and made a grand total of $73. Massive flop. But it’s actually not that bad. Y’know, I think I remember seeing that Tim was in The Social Network! I need to revisit that for him…

  4. WOW! Nostalgia galore!!!

    Makes me wanna find a big screen TV and watch this now 🙂

    Love this movie. Unfortunately, this is the only one of the movies that was Epic, the other ones fall short 😦

    Love this series, you and Laura Jo are great together!

    Wish I would have someone to text during a movie 😦

    I remember seeing Tim in The Pacific and reading how it was cool for him to work with Spielberg again after so many years.

    • Haha thanks, Rob! I think you should definitely find that big screen TV and give this one another watch. 🙂 Jurassic Park is one of the best. Period. How cool that Tim got to be reunited with Spielberg! It’s still so weird for me to see him all grown up…

      • Its like the affleck field of dreams story. He was an extra in the fenway baseball game and when he made without remorse with the same director 13 yeats later he told him how great it was to work together again 😀

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s