My sister and I had so much fun texting about Star Wars last time that we HAD to make it happen again. We started with Episode IV: A New Hope, so it’s only natural that we keep going with Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. For your reading enjoyment, I give you another installment of our movie-watching shenanigans.
Laura Jo: OMG THE BEST SEQUEL OF ALL TIME!!
Cara: I CAN’T WAIT!!!!
LJ: Ahhhhhhh EPISODE V FTW
C: THE MUSIC!!!! IT ALWAYS WINS!!!!
LJ: It makes me wish I played the trumpet
LJ: Like some NERD
C: HA! Why didn’t we take up brass dammit???
LJ: Ooooo ice planet ice planet!
C: Would never live there. EVER. It basically was the Midwest this winter.
LJ: NYC too. NOT IMPRESSED, HOTH
C: What are these kangaroo dinosaurs they ride called??
LJ: Banthas? (Not correct, but don’t worry—we fix it later.)
LJ: WAAAHH OMG ICE MONSTER ALIEN BEAR
C: Pooooooor bantha. 😦
C: And Luke, too, I guess.
LJ: Yeah that sucks
LJ: NO HAN DON’T LEAVE
LJ: OH HAN I WANT YOU TO STAY BECAUSE OF THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU
C: Hahahaha. If Laura Jo were Leia, it’d be a very different movie…
LJ: Whoops, they’re tom-toms (I Googled this. Apparently they’re called “tauntauns.” Oops.)
LJ: Not banthas. Those were on the desert planet
C: Aww tom-toms is a much cuter name for kangaroo dinos!
LJ: Or maybe ton-ton? I don’t know, the rebels can’t enunciate (EXACTLY.)
C: Luke is always getting captured by creatures. C’mon bro!
LJ: THERE WENT THAT ARM
C: AND ARMS ARE ALWAYS GETTING LOPPED OFF, TOO. THIS IS A RECURRING THEME.
LJ: Oh no Luke is lost in the blizzard he wandered off into!
C: Luuuuuke! You need some cocoa, dude!
LJ: Oh no they made Chewie cry!
C: Nothing more soul-wrenching than a wookie sob.
LJ: Han Solo with a lightsaber. YES.
LJ: That’s right everyone, into the dead animal!
LJ: Also how is Luke suddenly the Commander?
C: Right? I guess when you blow up the Death Star you get a huge promotion?
LJ: WOAH GIANT MAN DIAPER TANK
C: All the rage in the galaxies far, far away.
LJ: WHO’S SCRUFFY-LOOKIN
C: EWWW INCEST STAAAAHP
LJ: TECHNICALLY RIGHT NOW ITS AN ACCIDENT
LJ: …THE MORE YOU KNOW
LJ: Uh oh there went the imperial probe droid
LJ: Vader how do you knowwwwww
C: The power of the dark side, dude. The power of the dark side.
C: WOOKIE HUG
LJ: I WANT
LJ: Here come the star destroyers! …there goes the neighborhood
C: The godforsaken ice planet neighborhood. Not a huge loss to anyone but the poor tom-toms.
LJ: Vader just killed that guy via TV screen! Bringing back terrifying memories of The Ring.
C: HA. Seven days…
C: Personally, I would much rather be choked out by Vader than assaulted by that scary chick.
LJ: Imperial walkers!! Big angry metal camels!
C: Exactly!! Seems very unwieldy…
LJ: Noooo Dack!
C: Dak? Dac?
LJ: BOOM GOES THE ANGRY CAMEL
LJ: Aw R2 and C3PO say goodbye
C: Brobots 4 life.
LJ: Oh no Luke crash!!
C: HE HAS THE WORST LUCK. EVER.
LJ: 😦 Dack/c/que/k/x
C: Hahahaha. RIP, dude. Sorry we never figured out how to spell your name.
C: Vader invadering!!
LJ: OMG FALCON PLS WORK
C: MIGHT YOU SUGGEST JACK SH*T, 3PO. YOU JUST GOT THE INDEX FINGER OF SILENCE.
LJ: The Dagobah system!!!
C: Field trip!!!
LJ: Although the Falcon is straight up running from like a million ships right now…but you go ahead.
C: Ohhh Han. If only you’d listened…
LJ: He’s too busy being SO HANDSOME
C: Is his hair more quaffed this time? I feel like the hair people quaffed it up.
LJ: Oh yeah his hair is ready for love
C: LOL. You are ridiculous.
LJ: SHUT UP IT IS
LJ: Yay! Safe in the big asteroid!
LJ: Oh Luke, crashed your fancy spaceship in the gross swamp
C: Super ew.
C: But R2 LOVES this place.
C: …or did for a lil bit. Till, you know, swamp monster.
LJ: It happens
LJ: Woah Vader the back of your head is concerning
C: Heyyyy lumpy, scarred Vader head that is def not James Earl Jones!
LJ: True. Story.
C: Tiny but mighty. He is a role model to shorties everywhere.
LJ: Yoda why you sound like Grover
C: He does, doesn’t he? Good ol’ Grover…
LJ: OMG HAN YOU ARE THE BEST KIND OF SCOUNDREL
LJ: DAMMIT 3PO
LJ: TRY SOME TACT ON FOR SIZE
C: Poor R2 out in the rain!!!!
LJ: He just made a sound that the Ewoks make in ROTJ
C: Did he??? Whoops.
C: Another vacay for the continuity guy…
LJ: He maybe had a small bladder of something
LJ: 800 years YODA has trained Jedi! Damn dude!
C: What IS his secret? Yoga? Juicing?
LJ: Important questions with the Schuster Sisters.
LJ: Ruuuuun! Run from the giant space whaleworm!
C: Big worm says, “NOM!!!!”
C: Yoda to Luke: HUSH YO MOUTH, B*TCH.
C: Or: YO MOUTH HUSH, B*TCH.
LJ: Into the dark side of the swamp, Luke, where there are Komodo dragons
LJ: AND INEXPLICABLY VADER EEEEE
C: Ooooh Vader honey you dropped something. YO HEAD, SON.
LJ: Luke: WHY MAH FACE IN THERE
C: Oooh Luke look at you doing acrobatics and levitating stuff!
LJ: Luke, up your handstand game!
LJ: TRY NOT
LJ: OR DO NOT
LJ: THERE IS NO TRY
C: “You want the impossible.” LUKE STOP BEING A BRAT.
LJ: LUKE JUST GO LISTEN TO DASHBOARD ON YOU IPOD
LJ: Cloud City is so pretteh!!
LJ: Lando is so smooth
C: Laying it on thick there, eh Lando?
LJ: Leia is not impressed
LJ: C3PO PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN
C: Ghost Ben is baaaack!
LJ: Yep. Yes. Yeah.
C: Lando you friggin’ cheeseball…
LJ: I buy it.
C: …Over Han?
LJ: Um no HAN trumps all
LJ: AHHHH VADER CAME TO DINNER
LJ: Don’t torture Han!!! Nooooooooooo
C: HAN U SO BRAVE
LJ: I LOVE YOU TOO HAN
C: “I know.” Most one-sided love declaration ever.
LJ: WORTH IT
LJ: Awkward carbonite face
C: He looks like a chocolate bar.
C: …and now I want chocolate.
C: Luke’s so sneakeh!
C: R2…not so much.
LJ: …and then there’s R2
LJ: JOKE YOU OWE ME A COKE
LJ: Luke it’s a trap! Leia said so!
LJ: Oh man it’s the showdown
C: WOAH THAT JUMP
LJ: THE JEDI THIGHS DON’T LIE
LJ: AHHH out the window!!!
C: Luke CAREFUL BRO!!!
LJ: LUKE IS NOW A LEFTY
LJ: THAT’S NOT TRUE
LJ: THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE
LJ: UGLY CRY
LJ: He’s doing pretty okay for having a hand lightsabered off
C: Leia hears her brudda!!
LJ: She has the force too! Kinda!
C: …Is Vader wearing heels?
LJ: He’s dark side chic.
LJ: Poor Luke is feeling the feelings about his parentage
LJ: SO WAIT
LJ: When Vader scary robot needled Leia…did he know she was his kiddo?
C: Hmmm. An excellent question. Maybe someone reading can answer? (Any takers?)
LJ: Aaaaand R2 fixes the hyperdrive!!!
C: The Little Droid Who Could
LJ: Did Lando change into Han’s outfit??
C: …Did he? #awkward
LJ: This movie is the best
LJ: Hooray for Star Wars
C: Where would the world BE without it??
LJ: SADLY HAN SOLO-LESS, THAT’S WHERE
C: What a dark, dark place…
LJ: Yes. Han Solo is all.
Two down! Hopefully we can squeeze in Return of the Jedi soon. In the meantime, I’m still prepping for April Fools! Reminder: if at all possible, please pretty please send me your list by NEXT MONDAY. I will take them past that, but it’d be suuuuuper nice if I could have them all before the end of the month. Kaythanksyoureawesomebye! 🙂