Hey, kiddos! So I know I promised a review of a new movie today, but…well, I got a little sidetracked. What began yesterday as a conversation about taupe bed sheets, of all things (long story), rapidly evolved into what I hope to become a regular feature on this blog—a feature that involves lots of texting with one of the coolest people I know, my big sis.
You see with my sister, Laura Jo, off being awesome in NYC and me living here in the Midwest, we don’t often get to see one another, let alone watch movies together. But when our conversation turned to Star Wars and both of us were hankering for a watch, she jokingly suggested we should watch it at the same time and text about it. I was all over that. And so this was born. The following is our slightly edited text conversation about Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope.
Cara: Mom says, “May the force be with you both.” T-MINUS 1 MINUTE!!!!
Laura Jo: CHEWBACCA AWAITS
C: Pressing play! LET’S DO THIS!!!!!
LJ: IT’S HAPPENING AHH
LJ: A LONG TIME AGO
C: IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY…
LJ: God this soundtrack is just amazing
LJ: This is the part they’re all thinking oh shit
C: PRETTY MUCH.
C: P.S. Apparently their heads are the only things worth protecting. Like, zero armor.
LJ: They’re a peaceful vessel! Right? OMG VADER HAPPENED
LJ: Yes, James Earl Jones, anything you say!
LJ: Leia: “Who needs a bra? I’m a f***ing princess, b****es.”
C: Hahahaha. You know Mom will probably read this, right?
LJ: Well don’t use that one. Haha. (SORRY, SIS. Couldn’t resist this one.)
LJ: C3PO, buzzkill.
C: C3PO and R2D2: Robot Odd Couple
LJ: Ah yes, abducted by tiny creatures with glowing red eyes
LJ: It’s basically my worst case scenario whenever I take the subway
C: Being surrounded by hooded dwarves?
LJ: More specifically the glowing red eyes yes.
C: Oh hey Mark Hamill!
LJ: Oh Luuuuuuuke
C: Sigh. Then he got old and chubby and scary-looking. But he became a damn fine Joker voice.
LJ: …..was he?!?!
C: Yeah!! You didn’t know that?
LJ: Oh young Luke, whiny McWhinerwalker
C: Just kinda. ANGST.
LJ: WOAH DER’S YO SEESTER
C: Whom you briefly have a crush on…awkward…
LJ: Yeah once that came to light I think there were a coupla red faces
C: They kind of gloss that over, don’t they? Suuuupes awkward.
LJ: OMG TWO MOONS
LJ: OR SUNS? I DON’T KNOW
C: ANGSTY SUNSET STARE.
LJ: “That little droid is gonna cause me a lot of trouble.”
C: I want a hover carrrrr. Is there a reason those haven’t been invented yet?
LJ: I wonder how many times a day an 80s kid asks that question
LJ: When the sand people talk I want to say bless you
C: Obi Wan!
LJ: Light saber!!!!!!
C: My chosen weapon for the zombocalypse.
LJ: That’s much better than my frying pan idea
LJ: Help me Obi Wan Kenobi!
LJ: Omg who told that guy that the Caesar cut worked on him
C: That is what I was JUST THINKING. No, dude. Nope.
LJ: Ooooo fella don’t get mouthy with VADAR!!!
C: NOPE. STEP OFF, FOOL.
LJ: Oh no here comes all the skeleton nightmares from my childhood
C: Eeeeek! And ewwww!
C: Syringe machine! Also scary! Eeep!
LJ: Yeah no.
LJ: OMG I CANT WAIR FOR JAM SOLO
LJ: GOT EXCITED SRY
C: HA. Autocorrect wins.
C: Jedi hypnotism…if only.
LJ: I used to do that all the time in customer service.
C: And you didn’t teach me?! Lame. I thought we were family.
LJ: Luke what did you dooooo
LJ: God that’s how people are in New York
LJ: Someone gets an arm lightsabered off in a bar, then everyone’s like, meh
C: Whaaaat? I don’t remember NYC like Star Wars at all! But then I wasn’t old enough to hit the bars when I visited.
C: Oh HEY young Harrison Ford!!
LJ: I LOVE HIM
C: Just. Wonderful.
LJ: HAN ALWAYS SHOOTS FIRST
C: If only Greedo had known…
C: Jabba. Ew.
C: What IS Jabba? Like is this what our slugs will look like after a nuclear war? *shudder*
LJ: I. Love. The. Chewbacca sound.
C: LUKE. SHUT UP. HAN KNOWS WHAT HE’S DOING.
LJ: Oh noooooo Alderaan!
LJ: Those imperial guys were looking in Alderaan places for those droids
C: HA! I see what you did there. You clever thing.
LJ: THAT’S NO MOON. IT’S A SPACE STATION
C: IT’S TOO BIG TO BE A SPACE STATION.
LJ: VADER senses a presence!
C: Darth Vader’s voice makes me think of Mufasa. NOW I WANT TO WATCH LION KING, TOO.
LJ: I don’t feel like crying tonight, thank you
C: Ha! Yeah we’ll stick with Star Wars.
C: Poor, dumb storm troopers. They just make it too easy.
LJ: Yep. I bet that guy was not expecting a wookie when he opened the door
C: I ALWAYS expect a wookie when I open the door. Better safe than sorry.
LJ: Off they go to rescue the princess!
LJ: Who would we be in this movie??
C: Oh gees. I feel like neither of us would be Leia.
C: Not gonna lie—you’d probably be badass Han and I’d be whiny Luke.
C: Han and Leia meet. Let the love-hate begin.
LJ: I love the love-hate. I’m a sucker for love-hate.
LJ: And into the questionably occupied trash compactor everybody!
C: So why is there a creature living in the trash?
LJ: God this movie would have sucked if he had been eaten by the scary trash octopus
C: WORST. ENDING. EVER.
C: 3PO DAMMIT!!!!
LJ: YOU HAD ONE JOB
C: “NO WAIT THEY’LL HEAR.” She yells at the top of her lungs.
LJ: Hahaha true.
LJ: She’s not wearing a bra but she sure is boss
LJ: Luke don’t blast the bridge controls!
C: Bless him. He tries, doesn’t he?
LJ: At least he has his utility belt
C: TIME FOR A SHOWDOWN.
LJ: SO AWESOME.
LJ: OBI WAN NOOOOOOO
LJ: Come on Luke lets see the ugly cry
C: No time to ugly cry now! We’re not outta this yet!
C: Leia is a hug slut. She hugs EVERYONE in this movie. Girl, you don’t even KNOW that wookie!
LJ: Luke nooooooo she’s you SISTER
LJ: Also NO ONE is clear on how name pronunciations are in this movie!!
LJ: Leah vs Leia, Hahn vs Han
C: Yeah! I noticed that! Don’t they have meetings about these things…?
LJ: Maybe the continuity guy was on a break
C: Cheek kiss. Thank God. Good call, Leia.
LJ: Oh, incest.
C: LOL. It’s all fun and games until you have a sadistic, tyrannical baby. #gameofthrones
LJ: Eeeeeeeeee #truth #gross #effujoffrey
LJ: OBI WAN WHAT IS UP ARE YOUA GHOST NOW DUDE
C: I’M ALL UP IN YO RED 5, HAUNTING AND USING DA FORCE.
LJ: But like, positive haunting
C: Thank God for that. The last thing Luke needs is Paranormal Activity in space.
LJ: Eeeeeee shhhhh awful
C: God those little Empire ships sound like Westley’s scream in Princess Bride when he’s hooked up to that machine…
LJ: YOURE RIGHT OMG
LJ: CANT UNHEAR IT
C: STOP. HURTING. WESTLEY.
LJ: Ugh so many of them die
C: It’s hard out there for a rebel.
LJ: Can they not emergency eject out of these suckers?!
LJ: Geeez he’s like the only one left!
C: But it’s cool ‘cause he’s Luuuuuke! And the force is strong with him.
LJ: Oh no R2!!!
C: Vader, stop shooting at your kid, bro!!!
LJ: YAY HAN SOLO
LJ: SPACE COWBOY
C: LATER, DEATH STAR.
LJ: SRY BRO
LJ: Hey Han bro you got another outfit?
C: They’re just all kinds of fancy!
LJ: Hooray everybody! Oh god who would guess there’s so much more to the story
C: But we finished round one!!
LJ: We did! I’m going to celebrate by showering and going to bed!
C: Do it! Until next time…MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU.
LJ: AND ALSO WITH YOU, SCHUSTER
And thus ends the first installment. Hopefully we will coordinate our weird schedules and have another one again soon. In the meantime, go eat a green cupcake! Have a green beer! It’s St. Patrick’s Day gosh darn it!