Resolutions 2014: The Godfather

Greetings, friends, and welcome to a brand new series! I had this idea a while back when I started thinking about all the great films I have yet to see. Open to guest bloggers, the point of Resolutions is to watch films that you’ve been meaning to watch for some time. That way, we can start the year off right by accomplishing at least one goal. Since he kicked things off so beautifully for my NOOOOvember 2013 series, I decided to let Mr. Eric Isaacs of Isaacs Picture Conclusions get the ball rolling for Resolutions as well. So without further ado, here’s Eric’s take on his chosen film, The Godfather!

***WARNING: SPOILERS MAY FOLLOW***

The Godfather (1972)

Contributed by The IPC

Synopsis: “The aging patriarch of an organized crime dynasty transfers control of his clandestine empire to his reluctant son.” –www.imdb.com

Well, poo… How do I do this? Let me set the stage for why I have never seen this until yesterday: I have never liked Pacino, Robert Duvall and only recently started liking James Caan. I also don’t like mob or mafia movies whatsoever and I think FF Coppola is a pretentious asshole. I also don’t have the patience to sit still for a three hour movie and, in general, never really watch movies that win Best Picture. And – for real – Abe Vigoda? OY… this is a big set up for a miserable failure. Why did I pick this? Because Brian over at HTTHV reamed my ass one day because I haven’t seen things like this and Back to the Future and other such “Classics” and our lady at Cinema Parrot Disco went around town telling everyone that I needed more “Culture”. So let’s look at this in three parts and, since this is Cara’s blog and because I’ll get in trouble if I say anything minutely racy, I’ll use the American FCC way of censorship.

Hour 1: WHAT THE (BEEP)??? How do people like this (BEEP)ing movie??? It’s a bunch of (BEEP)s standing around or sitting around or dancing around saying BADA BADA BADA BING BADA BADA BADA BING and someone says “He made him an offer he couldn’t refuse” 70 times and people are (BEEP)ing singing and these (BEEP)s are waving their hands around in the air like some cartoon Italian caricature. (BEEP)ing HELL! I mentioned that I don’t like this to a few of my close friends and they replied with “THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE STOOPID” and “wtf u dummy u suk (beep)” and “Thanks for your participation, we’ll reply back soon.” Here’s that infamous horse head scene. Nice. Boresville.

Hour 2: Well – things are starting to pick up now that everyone’s going around killing each other. There are so many characters and they’re all Italian so it’s kind of hard to keep up with who’s killing who but it’s definitely better than a bunch of people standing around (BEEP)ing talking and waving their hands in the air like they’re (BEEP)ing directing airplanes. Everyone gets shot and does some eating and drinking and there’s much less BADA BADA BADA BING and – hey – look! Some boobs! I sure didn’t like it when that dude beat up Rocky’s wife…. Mother (BEEP)er.

Hour 3: More endless talking and only a little action. Marlon Brando puts some fake teeth in his mouth and then has a heart attack. He also has long, wispy grandpa hair. WHAT – is he a (BEEP)ing hippie or something?? Stoned and living in his backyard fruit orchard? Was I distracted? I thought that they cut Duvall out of the new action but there he is in Las Vegas. That’s how this ends? They shut a door???

So… in the end…. I am really not writing this to be radical or come across as a Sour (BEEP) like some of the things I read about one of the best movies I’ve ever seen: GRAVITY. “Not scientifically realistic” said someone I trust and admire. ‘Weak script” said someone else I read regularly. “Why didn’t she just tug on him a little?” said someone I consider a sister, who thought the movie was (BEEP)ing (BEEP) {good}. I grew up watching horror movies with my mom and Doctor Who and Star Trek TOS, alone. (I watched things like WALKING TALL and BILLY JACK with my dad). I would NEVER consider myself some sort of film critic, I’m just a stoopid dummy who likes scary movies and likes to write (BEEP) about them. I respect this as a well made movie and get that a lot of people love it – but – I didn’t really care for it and will probably never watch it again. Please don’t throw rotten fruit at me. Wait – where the (BEEP) did you get rotten (BEEP)ing fruit??? Why do you have baskets of rotten fruit here??? Where the (BEEP) am I????? Sorry – this just isn’t my kind of movie…

So Eric gave it the old college try, but sadly, The Godfather didn’t do it for him. What are we gonna do with this guy?! Win some, lose some, I guess. Regardless of his opinion of this classic, I would like to send out a huge thank you to Eric for participating in this series. He’s given it a pretty hilarious start. I’ll be fulfilling a film resolution tomorrow, but if you’re interesting in participating, too, just comment below or shoot me an email (cs227@evansville.edu). I will be accepting guest reviews all month! 🙂