We’ve already had several fantastic posts for NOOOOvember 2013 (all of which you can view in the Archives), but now the wonderful Miss Table9Mutant over at Cinema Parrot Disco has decided to join the fun and vent about one of her biggest film disappointments, Lockout! I was curious about this film, but now…eh. I think Table9Mutant has convinced me to stay away. Read on, oh disappointed friends!
Contributed by Cinema Parrot Disco
Directed by James Mather & Stephen St. Leger
Running time: 95 minutes
Plot Synopsis: (via Wikipedia)
Lockout follows Snow (Pearce), a man framed for a crime he did not commit, who is offered his freedom in exchange for rescuing the President’s daughter Emilie (Grace) from the orbital prison MS One, which has been overtaken by its inmates, led by Alex (Regan) and the psychotic Hydell (Gilgun).
Okay, so I thought this was directed by Luc Besson. Apparently Besson just co-wrote the screenplay with those two guys I listed as directors up there. Therefore, I suppose it didn’t help that the whole time I was watching Lockout I thought it had been directed by the guy who did Leon! Now, I’m not one of those people (guys) who salivates all over Leon. It was a good film and all but I’ve never understood JUST what it is that makes dudes (like my hubby) love it so much. Maybe I should re-watch it… It was good, though, and the hubby also goes on & on about how great Nikita is (I never saw it) and I really enjoyed The Fifth Element even though it’s far from perfect. What I’m saying is this: I expected a hell of a lot more from Lockout based on the Besson name being attached to it. It didn’t look like some Oscar-worthy flick but it looked “fun” in the trailer – I thought I’d at least be getting a more simple sort of Fifth Element thing. Pah! Watching Lockout was the least fun I’ve had watching a movie this year.
First of all, I totally lost the plot while watching this. I’ve just had to read the whole story on Wikipedia to refresh my memory and I can see it wasn’t really my fault – the “plot” is stupid & pointless. Guy Pearce is framed but by who? And why? For no good reason, that’s why. So he can go to a cool prison in space. And the president’s daughter is onboard the prison ship. Because… of course she is – the framed guy has to rescue someone. Basically, I think this is one of those movies where they went “let’s make a movie about a prison floating in space where all the prisoners are kept in stasis but then some shit goes down and they’re all unfrozen (or whatever you call it) and then things go mental and a girl needs saving. Plot? Who cares! We’ll make some crap up later. People just want a prison riot in space!”. Ugh. Stupid.
Next we have the characters. Argh!!! They’re even worse than the so called “plot”! Maggie Grace – how many times does this girl need to be freaking rescued in movies?! Seriously! And the “baddies”… Sooo cliche! And there are so damn MANY. The main one, psychotic guy, (Joseph Gilgun) was the worst. It was almost painful to watch. I’m not saying it’s his fault as I’m pretty sure it’s the godawful script. I liked him fine in another movie he’s been in (that’ll be my “recovery movie” below). No. Wait. He wasn’t the worst… Unfortunately, Guy Pearce’s character was the worst. He should have been like Bruce Willis in Die Hard. Or… Nicolas Cage in Con Air! That’s more like it. “Good guy in prison who doesn’t deserve to be in prison saves the day”. But, instead of being likeable in the slightest or at least having some sort of charisma, he’s just a bland prick. Again, I’m not blaming Pearce here – I think this script is probably to blame. And at one point he punches Maggie Grace in the face – Can’t remember why but I think it had something to do with disguising her in order to save her or some crap like that. Anyway, he got far too much pleasure out of it and did it with no warning & that bit actually really pissed the hubby off (how sweet!). But, yeah – hitting a woman isn’t going to make many people warm to a character.
So, anyway – SPOILERS here: It ends. He saves the girl. There’s some combination to some locker with some briefcase with the secret that’s a part of that whole “framing” plot that I didn’t care about. But it wasn’t actually in the briefcase. Never mind – who cares. The girl now seems to like the prick that didn’t want to save her in the first place. And all I wanted was to finish this movie but I had to rewind the last five minutes FIVE TIMES because the hubby kept falling asleep and it was really pissing me off that I had to keep going back! And the hubby yells “She better not kiss him now after he hit her!”. Well, she doesn’t but they’re clearly going to end up together. THE END.
My Rating: 4/10
I’m not going to go with the obvious one & say Leon – most people who like that sort of thing will have seen that already. I’m going to pick two: If you want to see the badly scripted villain from this in a worthy film instead, watch This Is England where Joseph Gilgun plays a (nice) skinhead in their original form when they just liked cool music & weren’t anything like Edward Norton in American History X. Great film! But if you just want some braindead fun that actually IS fun, which I think is what Lockout was aiming for but didn’t achieve, watch Con Air.
Many thanks to Table9Mutant adding another awesome review to this series. Long live the disappointments! Long live NOOOOvember!
38 thoughts on “NOOOOvember 2013: Lockout”
1) I totally ♥ you two people – you are greatness!
2) Leon is my favorite movie – well depending on the day – if I have just watched Rocky that might be my favorite while I sit around crying
3) Lockout is a terrible, terrible piece of crap that Pearce should be ashamed of himself for being in
4) For some reason Lockout gets a ton of hits on my site
5) This piece rocks
6) I suppose I should put this on our twitter fun(s) but – I just ate a sausage and egg everything bagel with Taco Bell fire sauce on it, so you two should avoid my office in about twenty minutes
7) This movie was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stupid
8) It’s so cold here I could just die
9) NOOOvember ROCKS!!!
10) I hope you two have great weekends!! : )
They’re awesome. Yes.
But so are you, dude. So are you. 🙂
Oh and this is hilarious.
Thank you very kindly!! You rock as well!
Hahahahaha. Eric, this is wonderful. Probably the most wonderful thing I’ll see all day. I’m sorry it’s cold! Please don’t die. I hope that your breakfast isn’t tearing your insides to shreds right now, I hope your weekend is phenomenal, and YOU rock! ❤ right back atcha!
Rule # 1: It should never eat eggs.
1) You love us because we put up with your poop stories. 😉
2) I’ve never seen Rocky all the way through. But I’m sure it’s better than Raging Bull.
4) I know! How weird! Maybe if Cara doesn’t mind, in a few months or so I’ll post the Lockout review with links to both of your blogs if it’s a magic view-upper! 😉 I get sucky views. Cara – you should review it too! AND The Great Gatsby, which I’ve only just reviewed but it’s shot up to the all-time top search term by far on my blog. WTF??
5) Thanks! YOU rock!
6) I’ve never known so much about someone’s mastication, digestion, and errr… defecation. 😛
8) Lightweight. I’m sure it was colder where I grew up. 😉
9) Yes, it does!
10) Thanks! You too!
11) It took me ages to reply in this way. 🙂
I love you more than just poop stories…!
Hahahaha. You guys are both wonderful. Maybe I will do a Lockout review if it’s what all the hip blogs are doing! I don’t know if I could bring myself to do Gatsby though. I have problems with pretty much all of the casting in that film…
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Great review! And I agree.
I saw some 90-ish flicks from 2012 (I wasn’t blogging yet, so wasn’t counting). And I had Lockout as the fifth worst, I think. It is such a pile of complete and utter garbage.
Thanks! Glad you agree. I was afraid Lockout fans would come here & yell at me. 😉
Oh they might. But I’m not one of them. 🙂
I honestly did not think it was that bad. It wasn’t anything special, and sure as hell not the most original piece of sci-fi out there, but at least it was fun and finally gave Pearce a starring role in a big-budget flick. Obviously it wasn’t going to make him a bigger or star, or even earn back its money, but at least it had fun for the time it was up on screen and being seen. Good review.
Thanks. 🙂 I’m glad you got more enjoyment from it than I did. 😉 I did like seeing Pearce in a starring role but I don’t think it was the right starring role for him, unfortunately. But to be fair, I don’t think I’d have liked anyone else in this role anyway…
“I did not heet her! I did not!”
Why smack her in this? She was far more annoying in Taken…
I actually got some enjoyment out of Lockout. Its definitely a bad film but I thought Guy Pearce was amazing in it! He was such a badass and he had some great lines. Oh and men have a secret fascination with hitmen. We love the idea of being one. Its kind of sad really!
This has nothing to do with the movie–just a fun fact. Apparently, you were the 666th comment on my blog, Mikey. Do with that information what you will, but I think it’s very appropriate that you were sharing your secret desire to be a hitman. Haha.
Maybe that’s how the hitman academy recruits people! They wait for some one to make the 666th comment about being a contract killer and then come for you! Wait was that a knock on the door?!!!
Glad you liked Pearce in this. I… didn’t. 😉 But I’m a girl & I have no desire to be a hitman. Maybe Zooey Deschanel had something to do with your 666 comment… 😉
Ooohhh! Deschanel, the harbinger of all evil. She’s trying to break us all up! Don’t fall for it!
This was an awful, awful movie. But I kind of enjoyed it. Does that make me awful too? Yes, yes it does. But Guy and I can be awful together. 😀
lol! No, it doesn’t make you awful. I like some awful movies too! And I must admit that I didn’t mind seeing Pearce with some muscles in this. 😉
Mmm, muscly Guy!
I haven’t seen these and now I can say I definitely don’t want to. I am a big Joe Gilgun fan though so I am choosing to blame the script…
Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in anything besides this & This Is England but he’s nothing like he is in that (I didn’t even know it was him). Not a movie I’d recommend! Not the worst movie ever but those are almost worse – if I want bad, I want REALLY bad. This is just so bland.
You should check out the Channel 4 series Misfits. I think it’s series 3 he arrives but he makes the whole show.
I’ve been trying to track down Misfits!! It’s tricky to find stateside. I might have to use less reputable means to watch…
I can imagine that it would be unlikely to ever make it onto US TV after what I have heard about all the censorship. It is utterly depraved, but the second that 9pm watershed lifts that’s all we Brits want. Lol!
Hmmm. Don’t know that one. I really should try to watch TV sometimes. Too busy watching movies! 🙂
It’s all on 4OD if you do find the time 🙂
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Horrible film, only good thing about this were the one-liners.
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I was so looking forward to Lockout because a) I love Guy Pearce and b) I saw Luc Besson’s name and Leon is one of my favourite films of all time. Lockout was a massive disappointment and an insult to my intelligence. Utterly stupid but lacing the campy fun of something like Con Air (which I did enjoy) which manages to be enjoyable in spite of its ridiculousness.
Also, This is England is a breath taking piece of film making. Did you see This is England ’86 and ’88? And I just read that there’s to be This is England ’90. Colour me excited!
Hi, Laura! I can’t speak for Miss Mutant, but I have not seen any of the This Is England series. Pretty good though?
Please watch them – so very good. Gritty and gripping with wall-to-wall outstanding performances.
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