Welcome, friends, to the first post for my NOOOOvember series! Throughout the month, we shall mourn movies that looked so good, yet they were such a disappointment. I’m particularly excited about this series because I won’t be working all by my lonesome. Some absolutely wonderful folks have agreed to step up and contribute by venting about their own film letdowns. Helpful for me, therapeutic for them—win-win!
Though I haven’t had the chance to rewatch and review some of my biggest disappointments, Eric Isaacs over at the brilliant, hilarious Isaacs Picture Conclusions was awesome enough to get going right away and share his frustrations about Prometheus. Who better to kick off a month of disappointing movies than the genius behind Shitfest 2013 and Shitfest 2013: Fall? So without further ado…
***WARNING: SPOILERS MAY FOLLOW***
Contributed by The IPC
Synopsis: “A team of explorers discover a clue to the origins of mankind on Earth, leading them on a journey to the darkest corners of the universe. There, they must fight a terrifying battle to save the future of the human race.” –www.imdb.com
The Excitement: 36% of the population of the planet Earth collectively ejaculated when it was announced that Ridley Scott was going to make an Alien prequel and dry cleaners all over the world saw their sales increase. 17% of that 36% got their hopes dashed against the cliffs when Scott came out and said adamantly, “This is NOT an Alien prequel. There will NOT be an Alien monster in this.” A couple of years later, that same 36% all jizzed again when the trailer came out and it looked like it was going to scare the testicles off of every man, woman and child who made it into that theater when this thing came out. SCREECH!!! SCREECH!!! SCREECH!!! The commercial went!!! Goosebumps grew, whiskers got longer, pants were soiled. SCREECH!!! SCREECH!!! SCREECH!!!! “We’re not going to have an Earth to go back to!!!!” Screamed Noomi Rapace!! SCREECH!!! SCREECH!!!! SCREEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!
The Disappointment: And then a bunch of people like myself RAN to the theaters to see it to get our balls scared off and grind our teeth to powder and………………….it was a long, boring dud. Epic and filled with Symphony, almost nothing exciting happened in this. Not one SCREECH!!! the commercials promised us. Nothing. Sure it was good and the acting and F/X were spectacular – but that’s NOT what we were promised. They made this look like it was going to be bowel cleansing scary! Nope. Not an instance. And really – she rips that alien baby out of her stomach and applies some Band-Aids and is fine to go running around all over the place? Blogger, please! What a disappointment. So worthy of NOOOvember!! Thanks for letting me be a part of this!!
How to Recover: For a recovery movie I would recommend brother Tony Scott’s Man on Fire. It’s balls out action and the first movie I saw where Denzel Washington proved to be a stud. You can’t go wrong with this one.
NOOOOvember 2013 is officially ON! Many thanks to The IPC for being awesome and getting the ball rolling. But we’re just starting! I’ll be venting about a disappointment of my own soon, but I won’t tell you what it is yet—I wanna surprise ya. 😉 Check back tomorrow to find out! And if this sounds like your cup of tea, let me know! I will happily accept your NOOOOvember contributions. 🙂